Lying in bed I feel smug and fulfilled. I’ve had mind-blowing sex and now my lover
Tom has left and I have the luxury of a bed in a five-star hotel to myself. I’ve learnt over the years that it’s my perfect scenario. While I love sex and male company I don’t want to be tied down in a conventional relationship again.
And that’s why, aged 56, I choose to only date married men who don’t have the expectation of progressing the relationship by moving in together and settling into domestic drudgery. And not only that – the thrill of illicit and passionate sex is addictive!
I never expected my romantic life to end up like this but I’m glad it’s evolved into something so satisfying.
In my early 20s I played the field but by 25 I dated with a view to settling down and I met and fell in love with my husband Patrick when I was 27 through my work as a lawyer. We married when I was 29 and by the time I was 32 we had our two children – now 26 and 24.
I thought our marriage was strong and was blindsided 12 years later when Patrick sat me down and confessed he’d had a six week affair with a colleague. It had started when they worked late together on a case and finished when he could bear the guilt no longer. He promised me he didn’t love her and was as in love with me as ever. I couldn’t understand how he could do it, we still had a good sex life, making love at least once a week, we still laughed and joked together and it all seemed fine.
The betrayal made me ill, picturing them together sickened me but I tortured myself by asking him endless questions. I was still very much in love and hadn’t contemplated either of us straying. My knee jerk reaction was to end the marriage, but after long talks we agreed to stay together. I think the fact that he confessed made it easier to keep going and he was very willing to have counselling.
But though we got back to ‘normal’ after about six months, I still couldn’t understand why he’d done it. And I couldn’t forget.

I don’t know what might have happened if I hadn’t come across an article about an extra marital affairs website, but when I read it, I couldn’t stop thinking about it. One evening after a couple of wines, I signed up. I told myself I’d speak to other married men and see if I could understand their motivation and, by doing so, clarify what was going on in Patrick’s head when he cheated. Could men really have sex with absolutely no emotion? Did they really still love their wives?
What I didn’t admit to myself back then but realise with hindsight, was that a tiny part of me was looking for a revenge affair. And inevitably that’s exactly what happened. I got chatting to a man called Simon, he was 49 and owned his own printing company. I’d never done online dating and was astonished by the fact you can feel a connection without meeting in person.
After two weeks we met for a drink in a central London bar and not only did I feel an emotional connection but I found him hugely attractive physically. At the end of the evening we were kissing like teenagers – the one and only time I’ve ever been so indiscreet. The following week I told Patrick I was going out with the girls and met up with Simon and had incredible sex in a luxury hotel.

The biggest surprise was I didn’t feel guilty – I felt elated. I carried on seeing Simon for three months but then I ended it, worried that I was getting too attached. But I missed the thrill of a new man, feeling so desired and having that excitement in my life was intoxicating. And so I found a new lover – it’s remarkably easy on these websites, they’re filled with attractive, intelligent and wealthy men.
Though I had no intention of telling Patrick, our marriage suffered. I admit I poured my energy into the children, my work and my lovers in that order. There was little left for him. He became less attractive to me, being with him felt mundane and boring, he didn’t even know he was competing with the excitement of new lovers – which did make me feel guilty.
After two years I ended our marriage, though I never confessed the real reason. I told him I couldn’t get past his infidelity. It was desperately unfair of me and I’m glad he’s now happily remarried. Though he’d set us on the path to destruction – I admit I contributed far more. In fairness, though on the surface it’s about excitement and passion, I also think it’s a form of self-defence. Patrick hurt me so much by cheating that I never wanted to feel that vulnerable again. If you aren’t committed to each other and building a life together and deeply in love then you can’t get as hurt.

And I’ve stuck to that. Though it isn’t only protecting myself. I don’t want domesticity. I like living alone, I enjoy my own space to wind down after work or to slob around at the weekends. I don’t get lonely, I have a very active social life and see my children and other family members regularly. A single man would inevitably want to progress a relationship and move in together  – married men relish my desire to be independent. They’re grateful and considerate lovers as they appreciate me. And illicit sex is exciting.
I’ve always got at least one lover on the go, on average they last for six months. One I’ve been with for five years, though he lives in Edinburgh so we only see each other every few months and he accepts the fact that I always have a London lover too. I’ve never fallen in love because I know not to, I compartmentalise and enjoy my time when I’m with them. We go out for dinners, and then make love. Something I’ve found about having illicit sex with men is that it makes them better lovers! One had an exhibitionist streak and we ended up getting a box at the theatre and having sex there which was thrilling for me.

I have since discovered I like adventurous sex, experimenting with making love outdoors in parks and very light BDSM. You are careful with each other, with no need to stay together because of finances, children or expectations, you’re both aware that the other one could easily walk away, so you’re always the best version of yourself.
A few close friends know what I’m doing, they don’t approve exactly but they understand. I do sometimes feel guilty about the wives. I know how broken I felt when Patrick confessed to his affair. But at the same time, I’m practical and men will always find a reason and a way to cheat if they’re that way inclined. If it wasn’t me it would be someone else and at least I’m not interested in wrecking any marriages.