Trying to catch my breath, I laid sprawled across the bed.
‘That was amazing,’ my date Jimmy said, as he spooned me.
‘The best I’ve ever had,’ I purred, stroking his chest.
We’d only swiped right on Tinder and been on our first date at TGI Fridays days earlier.
But we were already at it like rabbits.
With his big brown eyes, stubble and muscly physique, there was something about his Jimmy that I just couldn’t resist.
Soon we were taking it in turns to sleepover at each other’s houses and loved trying out new positions.
Outside the bedroom, our relationship was just as passionate and we soon made our relationship official.
‘Will you be my girlfriend?’ he smiled.
‘Of course,’ I said.
At 17, he was my first real love and I felt so protected next to his towering 6ft 2in frame.
As Valentine’s Day approached, I wanted to do something special and saucy for our first one together.
‘Let’s go and see Fifty Shades of Grey!’ I said to Jimmy, as the erotic romantic scenes flashed up on the TV screen one night.
‘You’re on,’ Jimmy winked, ‘We may be able to pick up some tips.’
‘I’m not sure,’ I giggled, ‘I bet we could teach them a thing or two!’
Days later, we couldn’t take our eyes off the screen as Christian Grey used whips, chains and clamps to pleasure his love interest.
‘How would you like me doing like that to you?’ Jimmy leant over and whispered in my ear during one of the bondage scenes. I couldn’t deny it turned me on.
The next day, we went to Ann Summers and left the shop with a bag full of dildos, vibrators, ties, clamps, and naughty outfits.
We couldn’t wait to get home to try our new sex toys.
‘Let me wrap this around you,’ Jimmy smiled as he blindfolded me.
‘Don’t go too easy on me,’ I smiled.
Soon our sex life had reached another level.
My orgasms were so much more intense during our kinky sex sessions. I became addicted to buying new sex toys.

As soon as I got paid, I’d pop into Ann Summers and treat myself to a new one.
Months later, I realised between us we’d spent hundreds on dildos – big ones, small ones, vibrating ones – you name, we’d got it.
But it was worth it to keep our sex sessions sizzling.
Every trip away, the first thing I’d throw into my suitcase was my favourite large blue vibrator.
Even if it was a one-night stay somewhere, I would need to know that I had my trusty toy.
Then to celebrate our two-year anniversary, we decided to stay in my dad’s luxury caravan in Scarborough.
‘Our first proper holiday together,’ I said.
‘It’s lovely to spend some time alone together,’ he smiled, as we laid our bags down.
‘Also, more time to get down and dirty,’ I laughed.
That first day, the caravan was definitely rocking!
Then in the morning, we woke feeling frisky again.
And there was only one thing that could wake me up and put a smile on my face.
‘I’ll go and get our friend,’ I laughed.
But as I searched my suitcase, I realised my favourite blue vibrator was nowhere to be found!
‘What are we going to do?’ I cried.
I craved my bit of freakiness, and couldn’t bear to think I’d be stuck in a caravan for another two nights without my trusted blue friend.
I knew Jimmy and I could have traditional sex, but I loved him using a toy on my first. Nookie just wasn’t the same without it.
‘Don’t fret,’ Jimmy said, ‘I’ll find something to do the job.’ Then he started to scour the caravan for something phallic.
We needed something not too hard, but just the right firmness and texture.
‘How about this?’ he said, pointing to the handle of a brush.
‘Not very hygienic,’ I commented.
Next thing I knew, Jimmy had his head in the fridge freezer. ‘Look what I’ve found!’ he exclaimed.
Then he pulled out a packet of Richmond frozen thick sausages. I was shocked.
Apart from ice, we’d never used food in the bedroom.

‘No, it will be too cold!’ I shuddered at the thought of it entering me.
‘I can warm it up,’ he said, thawing it under the hot tap.
In time, I came around to the idea.
Before I knew it, Jimmy had hopped back into bed with the sausage.
With its smooth texture, it actually felt better than expected.
Soon enough, Jimmy was using it like any other dildo.
But after a few minutes, a sharp shooting pain hit me.
‘Stop Jimmy, it hurts,’ I grimaced. ‘Take it out!’
But as he pulled it out, his face dropped.
‘Only half of it has come out,’ he gasped, as he held a bit of defrosted sausage in his hand. ‘I’m so sorry Hayley, this is all my fault.’
I couldn’t believe it. It was the wurst thing that could have happened!
The sausage was stuck inside me!
After half an hour straining on the loo, it was clear it wasn’t coming out.
‘We need to get you to A&E,’ Jimmy urged as he rushed me to his car.
‘How the hell am I going to explain this at the hospital?’ I asked. But Jimmy had no answers.
Feeling mortified, I took the receptionist to one side and explained my situation.
‘I’ll make sure you’re seen urgently,’ she said.
But for the next three hours, I had to sit in the waiting room as still as possible, as certain positions made the pain unbearable.
‘Hayley Smith please,’ the doctor eventually called.
Tears filled my eyes as I slowly walked over to the consultation room, while Jimmy waited outside.
As she examined me, I told her about our literal game of hide the sausage.
‘We can book you in for an appointment with the gynaecologist,’ she said. ‘But that might not be until tomorrow.’
‘I can’t wait that long,’ I winced.
‘Well, I recommend that you go home and take a warm bath,’ the doctor said. ‘It should encourage your body to give birth to the rest of the sausage.’
I couldn’t help but feel frustrated that I could have done that hours ago. I tried to block out the pain on the ride home.
Then back at the caravan, I drew a deep hot bath and lowered myself in.
After 20 minutes, I was ready to push.
‘I’d rather you’d not see me give birth to a sausage,’ I said, as Jimmy left the bathroom.
After pushing and panting, I started to crown a head.
But instead of seeing a baby’s head, I looked down to see mushy sausage meat coming out of me.

‘Just one last push,’ I groaned to myself, as the final bit of sausage floated into the water.
‘Are you sure it’s all out?’ Jimmy asked, as I staggered over to him wrapped in a towel.
‘I can’t feel anything left,’ I said.
Next day, we went home. Straight away, I booked a doctor’s appointment.
Thankfully, apart from some inflammation, my flower was fine.
And in time Jimmy and I started to see the funny side of our chipolata saga.
I even told my close pal Rebecca what happened.
‘You silly sausage!’ she screeched with laughter.
Afterwards, Jimmy and I decided to leave our sex toys in the drawer and went back to good old-fashioned hanky-panky. Sadly, a year or so later, we broke up.
But I still think of him fondly, every time I bite into a sausage sandwich.

Hayley Smith, 25, Carlisle, Cumbria*

All names have been changed

PICTURES: IMAGO