It’s a question that has plagued humanity since the dawn of time. Does size matter?
Even Neanderthal man would (presumably) have spent mornings down at the river, washing himself and checking out the other Neanderthal guys – then worrying that he didn’t measure up to his hung tribesmen neighbours.
And now, in the 21st century, so-called ‘small penis syndrome’ is rife – with a survey showing that, globally, 45% of men worry that they’re lacking in the trouser department.
Of course, Neanderthal man was lucky that he didn’t have online porn to compare himself to – which is often listed as the number one reason for the current epidemic of men feeling inadequate.
What’s often forgotten is that those humongous male porn stars get the gig for one reason (well, stamina comes in a pretty close second) so they can’t really be looked at for guidance on what the average pecker looks like.
Many men will have tried to console themselves by checking out surveys to see where they fit on the scale of averages. But again, there’s a problem, especially with research where men self-report (ie; measure their own peen, then times that number by two, and then add a bit more for luck).
Unsurprisingly, most men believe the average length is more than 6 inches. Closer did a bit of sensible research on this, scouring some of those very scientific, medical sounding surveys, where actual clinicians were in charge of the tape measure and didn’t let the guys make up their own measurements. The results? Well, if you own a penis that’s 5.1 inches long – congratulations, you are literally Mr Average!
But even if you’re average – and especially if you’re below – the effects can be pretty upsetting in a world where society seems obsessed with a big swinging dangler.
It’s at this point that you’ll probably be expecting us to say, ‘don’t worry, it’s fine, women don’t like big ones’. Right? Well, we’re not going to do that – though it’s true that women really aren’t as obsessed as you are with what’s in your pants.
Instead, we’re here to try to give you a confidence boost and the potential to actually upgrade your wiener. Guys, it’s time to boost your bits!

MIND OVER MATTER
Ok, we will get to some practical stuff in a minute, but this psychological bit is just as important. If you think you’re smaller than average ‘downstairs’ then the first bit of boosting you need is to be told that YOU ARE FINE! And if you feel that you’re surrounded by men with massive dongs and that you are alone in your smallness, think again! The men you see on porn – even amateur porn – are only happy to have their penises broadcast for all the world to see because they are on the bigger side. The men that you see strutting out of the showers in the gym proudly doing the ‘helicopter’ with their schlong know that they are on the bigger side. What you don’t see are they guys who are average or a bit smaller – because they usually cover up with a towel when they get out of the gym showers and they generally don’t film themselves for OnlyFans tugging at their average-sized members. The only penises you tend to see are the big ones because their owners are more likely to feel confident enough to put themselves out there. Statistically, therefore, penises on public view will always be bigger than average. YOU ARE FINE!

GOING FOR GROWTH
Ok, so now you’ve got things into perspective, it’s time to look at ways you can gain more than confidence. You might already have noticed that the internet is awash with ways you can add inches…and if you’re still using Hotmail, a quick look at your junk folder will reveal a steady list of ‘get yourself 9” of throbbing meat with these supplements for just $650 a month’. None of it will work. In fact, most of the penis growth stuff on the market is just snake oil (ironic, given that there are places in the world where men actually encourage snakes to bite their dicks in a bid to get them to swell up – YIKES!)  What you want to know is what’s really guaranteed to work. Here goes…

SURGERY
There aren’t many men who’d actively look forward to anyone taking a blade to their private parts – and certainly not any man who’s old enough to remember the John Wayne Bobbitt incidence from the 90s! On the plus side, penis enlargement surgery will very likely provide gains but you’ll need to carefully consider the downsides. Extra length is usually achieved by cutting a ligament to allow more of your peen to be exposed while another popular option is increasing girth by having fat injected into the shaft. Both carry the risk of scarring, infection, loss of sensitivity and deformity. On top of that you’ll be looking at a hefty price tag – anywhere from $5k – $24k. Your penis will grow, but your wallet will be left flaccid.

TRACTION
For those who want a safer and cheaper option to surgery, traction might be the perfect answer. This basically involves putting your todger on a rack and torturing the poor thing by stretching it – sounds like a Medieval punishment, huh? Well, it’s certainly not for the faint hearted. You’ll need to be spending over six hours each day for at least three months with the stretching device attached to your dinkle. It will require A LOT of commitment, and it won’t be comfortable. However, medical research shows that this does work over time. It won’t be spectacular but the maximum gains reported are an extra 1.5 inches when flaccid. Added to this there are other ‘stretching’ options including vacuum pumps and jelqing (a type of penis massage where you ‘strangle’ your peen and pull it outwards slowly and repeatedly – sounds a lot like very heavy masturbation to us!)

LOSING WEIGHT
That’s right. Losing pounds could actually add inches! If you’re carrying some extra weight, especially around the middle where men often do, that could be hiding some of your sausage. It’s been reported that for every 30-50lbs a man loses in weight, he’ll gain an extra inch of perceived penis length. Now if that doesn’t have you running to the gym while snacking on celery sticks and low-fat hummus, we don’t know what will!

TRIMMING
We’ve left this until the end because this is the easiest and cheapest way to guarantee a longer looking sausage. Avoid the surgeon’s scalpel and put the traction device back in its box. Simply pick up a decent beard trimmer and give your bush a grooming session, we’d recommend trimming your pubes to one inch for the tidiest look. Taa-daaa – you’ve already got a longer schlong! And then here’s the absolute magic. See that area directly above the base of your willy? Get your trimmers and gently shape upwards from this spot, just by a centimetre or two in an upside down V shape. This won’t give you any extra inches, but, when viewed from the front, it will magically appear as if your member has some lovely new length. Enjoy! 

PICTURES: GETTY