When I met my husband at a party I fell head over heels in love with him. I was 32 at the time and he was in his late 50s. He seemed mature compared to the men I’d dated recently – who’d either cheated or had no intention of committing to a relationship. He was full of energy and, like me, loved playing tennis and travel.
He made it clear that he wanted a relationship and showered me with attention, wining and dining me in lovely restaurants.
Within two years we were walking down the aisle. At the time I gave no thought to our 28-year age gap – it seemed irrelevant. And no-one pointed it out to me that while he was fit and active, time would inevitably take its toll. I wouldn’t have listened to them anyway, I was besotted.
But of course time did take its toll. Now all he wants to do is sit on the sofa and watch television, while I’m young and active and since starting HRT 18 months ago I have a raging libido. I crave sex and it’s not something me and my husband have done for the last 10 years.
In desperation I signed up to an extra marital affairs website Illicit Encounters in January last year and have since had four affairs with younger, married men.
I feel no guilt doing it – though if I’m brutally honest in my darkest moments I wish my husband would die, so I wouldn’t have to sneak around and create excuses to get out of the house to see them. I realise I sound like a psychopath saying that’s where we’ve got to and I wish it wasn’t the case, but it’s the truth.
I didn’t imagine our relationship would ever disintegrate to this point.
It was good to start with, we travelled a lot and he was kind, thoughtful and generous. Like many couples we drifted a bit when our daughters, now aged 18 and 16, were born – the holidays and dinners out became rare treats and I realised that we didn’t have much in common beyond that.
I should have left then really, but I was frightened. My wages as a dental nurse weren’t huge and I couldn’t imagine how I’d cope juggling work and the girls. I suggested counselling but he wouldn’t hear of it. And now the girls are on the cusp of leaving home and I’m dreading being alone with him rattling round in our house in Warwickshire, England.
It’s got to the point where we don’t get on at all. The way he walks and even breathes irritates me. His idea of a good night is watching a boring documentary, I crave excitement.
To start with, the lack of sex in our relationship wasn’t a problem – it faded away with a lack of interest in both sides – he had performance problems and I was menopausal.
But when I started HRT and my sex drive returned I thought I’d go mad. Signing up to meet married men for sex seemed like the only answer. I needed them to be married as then they’d understand I couldn’t always be available.

The first man I met was 48 – five years younger than me – and feeling desired and desiring someone again was mind blowing. It lasted for six months and I thought I fell in love. Though looking back now I wonder if it was just lust. It faded out, his kids were younger than mine and it was harder for him to escape the confines of his marriage.
Since then I’ve had three more affairs, each lasting a few months, all of them came with that crazy lust that you get at the beginning of something.
They have all petered out, as really there’s nothing more to it than sex and mutual escapism.
But it’s made me realise how much I want and need a full relationship – a loving connection. But I can’t leave my husband – he’s 81, and though I don’t think he loves me, he does need me to look after him. He’d never find anyone else at his age – he rarely goes out.
A year ago he had an attack of angina, that medics initially thought was a heart attack. 
I know it’s awful but I couldn’t stop the thought popping into my head that maybe this was the release from my unhappy marriage.  Afterwards I was horrified. 
But I feel so trapped and lonely in my marriage with a man who’s nearly 30 years older than me. If he wasn’t there then I’d be free to find happiness with someone who cares about me and gives me the affection I crave rather than having to sneak around.

There was a time recently when I was due to meet a lover and my husband dropped it on me that he had a medical appointment. I’m not a complete monster, of course I took him and cancelled my lover. But I resented him for it. Not least because he sprung it on me at the last minute, it was a crushing disappointment.
Stolen moments making love in hotel rooms make me feel life is worth living, I don’t think I could give that up now.
I do feel guilty for the wives of the men I’m having sex with – they don’t deserve it.
And though I don’t feel guilty about my husband as I did all I could to make the marriage work before I turned to affairs, I find it hard logistically and don’t like sneaking around. 
I crave a full relationship, someone not only to have sex with but someone to go for walks with and snuggle up on the sofa to watch telly – and not a history documentary! 
And sadly, the only way that can happen is if my husband dies.