Let’s start with the science bit, shall we? A vagina is the 3–6-inch passageway between the opening of the uterus (the cervix) and the vulva (the external female genitalia). The vagina births out babies, expels menstrual blood, accommodates a penis, and helps transport sperm. Just in case we need to say it, you don’t pee out of your vagina. That’s what the tiny external hole called the urethra is for. The clitoris – that little bump where the magic happens – is also outside of the vagina. The labia are lips that protect the vagina. Got it? Good, let’s move on…

Cunnilingus, climaxing and the clitoris
Despite what we see in the movies, only about 25% of women orgasm from vaginal sex alone. This can make women feel inadequate, but it’s perfectly normal to need added clitoral stimulation to come, either by fingers or a sex toy. Some women climax via the elusive G spot which is apparently located a couple of inches into the vagina to the sides of the urethra, though no-one really knows as it’s not an anatomic structure. Lube is no longer the domain of the menopausal woman. Vaginal sex is painful for at least 1 in 10 women who are increasingly lathering on lubrication. Cunnilingus means licking or sucking the clitoris, but the tongue is often welcome in the vagina too, even though it has less nerve endings so potentially less sensation. It’s all about personal preference. Same with fingering. It gets some people off, but for others it’s more ‘get off’.

Lady gardening
Pubes protect the vagina from dirt, oil, bacteria and lessens friction when having sex. Until the 1980s, it was common to see pubic hair as nature intended – ungroomed and bushy. Then women began tidying the triangle with razors, scissors and waxing. The advent of the Brazilian wax (a landing strip effect) was revolutionary, closely followed by the Hollywood (completely bald) which became commonplace.
By 2013, research showed 60% of people incorrectly believed pubic hair was unhygienic. But like mullets and hot pants, guess what’s back? The hashtag ‘full bush in bikini’ is trending on TikTok and the au natural look has been celebrated on Parisian catwalks where models wore merkins (pubic wigs). Vive la vagin!

Eau de vagine
Vaginal odour can be nice, nasty or neutral depending on the nose of the beholder. Vaginas might smell slightly metallic during periods, tangy or sour, sweet or earthy, depending on bacteria and hormones. Itchiness, a burning sensation and a more pungent smell might signal a yeast infection known as thrush, or candidiasis. This can be treated by over-the-counter medication but it’s always good to check with your GP. If the smell is fishy, it could be bacterial vaginosis especially if vaginal discharge is watery and white-grey. Antibiotics can clear it up, so again seek medical help. Keep your bits clean but don’t overdo it with lotions and potions as this can irritate the vagina. A wash with water and non-scented soap is perfectly adequate.

Muff massages
Yoni is the Sanskrit word for women’s ‘sacred cave’, so a Yoni massage is exactly what it sounds like. While it can often result in a happy ending, a vaginal massage – delivered by a Tantric practitioner  – is described as more of an emotional and sensual experience, rather than sexual. Apparently it can alleviate tension and help to heal trauma.

Coochie crafting
Artist Casey Jenkins knitted a 15-metre passage of wool that she inserted inside her vagina over a 28-day period. Sometimes the white wool was coloured red with menstrual blood. Calling the 2013 performance piece Casting Off My Womb, Casey explained it was, ‘to quiet down the noise of community expectations and decide for myself what I will do with my body.’

Yoni weaving generally means art and crafts creations inspired by the hoo ha – think macrame vulva-shaped wall hangings or embroidered vaginas on needlepoint canvas.

Bake off with your bits?
Blogger Zoe Stavri woke up one morning in 2015 with thrush. It was “the familiar itchy burny fanny. I giggled to myself, ‘Maybe I could make bread with that… the next thing that happened was I was scraping white goop off of a dildo into a bowl of flour mixed with water.” Reader, she made the sourdough, ate it and said it was delicious. The jury’s out on whether this is hygienic, but Zoe lived to tell the tale.

Beaver boffins
Gynaecologists are vagina doctors, but they specialise in the whole female reproductive system which includes infertility, ovarian cysts and endometriosis. An obstetrician is solely concerned with pregnancy and childbirth.

Generating genitalia
Some trans women decide to keep their birth genitalia, others have vaginoplasty to create a vulva and vagina with sexual sensation and urinary function. Penile inversion is the most common surgical procedure, where the penis is more or less turned inside out to create the ‘neovagina’.  Trans women can choose to only go for a vulva (vulvectomy) but not a vagina. Cis women have downstairs nips and tucks too, of course, from vag tightening, to correcting lopsided labia or reducing a perceived oversized clitoris.

Tampon tampering
You can’t lose a tampon in your body, as the vaginal canal is blocked at the cervix. So let’s lock that fear for you, ladies. If you find it hard to retrieve a tampon, try squatting and ‘bearing down’ as if doing a poo. Failing that, go to a doctor because there’s a risk of infection or Toxic Shock Syndrome.

Vajayjays on display
The Vagina Museum in Bethnal Green, London, is the world’s first institute devoted entirely to the female reproductive system. Visitors can browse photos of vaginas of every shape and size, affirming there is no ‘perfect’ punani. There’s vagina-related artwork and educational exhibitions, too.

Foof phobia 
Eurotophobia is the fear of vaginas (not to be confused with gynophobia, the dread or hatred of women). It can stem from traumatic past events or anxiety disorders. There’s no word for a vagina enthusiast, sadly. Someone needs to work on that…