Isn’t it great that men are taking better care of themselves? Long gone are the days of seeing them flopped out on a sofa, watching the football on TV, guzzling from cans of beer while delicately balancing a fully loaded ashtray on their bellies.
No, these days, you’re more likely to find him in the gym, before heading home for a green smoothie and then switching on a mindfulness app.
However, there’s a shocking new trend that’s making waves in Manworld – and trust us, it’s disgustingly weird!
Before we plunge headfirst into this mind-blowing topic, a little backgrounder might help you make sense of all this.
Remember, men are stupidly competitive. ‘My soccer team is better than yours; my car is faster than yours; my salary is higher than yours’ etc etc, you get the drill. (Presumably his drill is also bigger than yours!)
So it won’t come as too much of a surprise that this over-competitive spirit has now reached his lower regions – but we’re not talking dick length!
In the latest shock twist to being better than anyone else, men have now decided that ejaculation should become a competition.

That’s right, you heard correctly. Step aside you mere dribblers. These days, you’re only worthy if you can shoot your semen further, faster and – in another, even more icky descriptive f-word – fatter. We literally don’t want you to type these words into your search bar but if you’re prone to risk-taking and generally deranged then ‘Shoot Fatter Ropes’ will lead you into a world you never knew existed and will never be able to detox from your mind.
For the sensible ones among you who just want a sanitized version of events, it’s this. Threads are popping up all over the place with men swapping tips on how to increase the amount of semen they spurt – and consistency is apparently ultra-important. Watery semen would be seen as a bit of a failure.

What these cum connoisseurs are looking for is something that looks a bit like wallpaper paste (though helpfully the ingestion of pineapple juice should mean that it doesn’t TASTE like wallpaper paste).
Having said that, shooting the equivalent of wallpaper paste from a penis across a distance of at least five feet isn’t easy. So that’s where kegels come in. That’s right, men are now discussing pelvic floor exercises online. The world has gone MAD!
If you thought all that was bonkers then brace yourself, we’re about to go balls deep! For those in the know ‘cum stacks’ are all the rage.
This involves posting pictures of what is basically entire medicine cabinets full of vitamin/minerals etc known as ‘the holy grail’ and all said to boost the amount and the quality of a man’s jizz.

It’s not all expensive supplements though. At the heart of every man’s cum stack should be a very large bag of Brazil nuts. Kinda makes sense that nuts are good for your nut, right?
This very excited Brazil nut eater reported on Reddit, ‘I’ve never been this horny since I was a teenager. It all started with the workout and escalated to teenager level horny with the Brazil nuts. However, my cum shots now are super watery. Does anyone else get that with Brazil nuts?’ Oh no, watery Brazil nut semen, how disappointing.
Meanwhile, this ‘Reddit Roper’ sounds like he’s aiming for a degree in Chemistry. ‘I’ve always had massive balls (doc told me I’m in the 98th percentile for size) and multiple partners have told me I had the biggest loads they’ve seen, and now I’m committing to reaching my fullest potential. Stocked up on zinc and lecithin supplements, with selenium to be added to the mix later, and ordered some medicine syringes and graduated cylinders to measure and track my growth. Wish me luck!’ Yeh, best of luck, Mr Big Balls!

Zinc supplements also feature heavily in many ‘holy grail’ stacks. But be warned, it can sometimes make things a bit too chunky as this young man explained on X. ‘I’m gonna pass on zinc. Last time I got sucked off, she had to chew before swallowing’. Just, wow!
Of course, all of these miracle cures also have the potential to provide other health benefits – very often leading to improved skin tone – so the prospect of a jumbo jizz session isn’t the only positive to be had here.
Many guys also report fewer coughs and colds as they pursue their sexual goals – though as this Roper explained on X, that might be down to the benefits of staying home while playing with yourself. ‘The morale boost from shooting fatter ropes leads to an improved immune response and staying indoors shooting fat ropes mitigates viral exposure. So it does quite a lot to prevent colds.’
And with that, we’ll leave you with the thought of millions of men rarely leaving their apartments, swallowing handfuls of multi-vitamins while beating off in the hope of hitting the headboard with a power squirt of the thickest semen. Have a nice day!