‘I became a coach in 2010, after seeking help for my own intimacy issues when I was 29. I was scared of sex – if somebody asked me what I wanted I’d freeze. I didn’t like my body or myself. I’d been in an emotionally abusive relationship in my teens and constantly told I wasn’t good enough or pretty enough.
It was scary to confront my fears, but I sought help. Before that I’d only had one sex education lesson at school and shown what a condom looks like! So I went on courses, then became a certified therapist and now I help other people.
It’s important when looking for a fulfilling sex life to bust the myths.  The one thing most woman want men to understand in bed is that penetration is not the only way to have fulfilling sex. Don’t always go for orgasm and penetration! Shift your mind so that you enjoy the journey rather than always reaching for the goal.  Relax into pleasure and allow it to happen naturally.  A lot of women especially need time to unwind from their day before they’re ready for sex so give yourselves time so you can be in the moment.

In actual fact, a man doesn’t even need an erection to be able to either orgasm or even ejaculate. And how hard it is can often ebb and flow – even during sex. While some women can take it personally if a man can’t get an erection, there can be many reasons, such as performance anxiety, stress or medication. If a man isn’t getting an erection and this happens frequently, I recommend a visit to the doctor as this can be a sign of an underlying health condition that needs treatment
Equally people believe that if the sex isn’t great immediately they aren’t a great match. The best sex can take practice to discover how they want to be touched and what they enjoy sexually.  And it’s important not to assume that your partner is responsible for your pleasure – you’re the one who knows what you like so don’t be afraid to say it or show it! Here are my dos and don’ts to help you sizzle between the sheets!

DO
Get to know your own body
When I’m working with couples I often ask them to touch each other’s hands and then explain how they want to be touched, and be really specific – the type of touch and where. Many people find it hard to articulate what they like for all sorts of reasons. Often people learn to masturbate to orgasm and so they continue doing it the same way. It’s important to explore ways of touching both on your genitals and other body parts to learn what else can turn you on, so you can tell your lover.
Communicate positively
It’s important not to see any pointers from your partner as criticism. But to make it easier for them, try to frame it positively. For example, rather than “I don’t like it when you touch me roughly”, say “I love it when you touch me softly”.
Plan for sex
  People seem to think when you move in together sex should happen spontaneously. But if you hark back to when you were dating, it was planned and still good. You’d get dressed up for a dinner date and make an effort with your underwear or clothes before heading out and it felt special. Planning can make sex even better when you’re living together.
Also, make time for just ‘couple’ time. Just because you’ve got a spare moment when the children are out or staying with family, don’t presume you’ll have sex, plan for massages or a date that definitely won’t end with sex so the pressure is off.
Appreciate quality
At periods in your life there simply won’t be the luxury of a lot of time to make love. So focus on still being intimate with each other, kissing goodbye lingeringly, making cups of tea for each other to keep the connection there. And enjoy sex when you have got time. I remember talking to a new mum who was worrying as they weren’t having sex once a week as they’d planned. It simply doesn’t matter so long as you still enjoy it when you can find time.
Learn to love your body
Women particularly can go off sex if they don’t feel good about themselves. Look in the mirror and pick out things you do like about yourself. Be grateful for what your body can do. Focus on what feels good too. What type of touch you like or how your body feels when you are exercising.

DON’T
Think everything should be on the menu
You get to define what sex means to you. Just because you like sex, it doesn’t mean you have to like all aspects of it. You might be an adventurous eater, but that doesn’t mean you want to try fried insects! If you don’t want to try something or don’t like something, that is totally fine. And being ‘vanilla’ isn’t bad if that’s your thing.
Let one thing blight your sex life
Oral sex is something that’s commonly discussed. Some people don’t like either giving or receiving it and others feel it should definitely be on the cards. Discuss it and see if you can work out the reasons why you are adverse to it and if there’s a way that you might enjoy it.  But the reality is that sometimes it just isn’t going to happen. There are loads of other ways to enjoy pleasure together and be fulfilled.
Presume
Our bodies change, whether through childbirth, menopause or ageing.  Just because something once worked, don’t presume it always will. Be ready to check in and make adjustments. We constantly refine what food we eat or exercise we take according to our changing body, sex should be seen in the same way.  And don’t follow the same pattern every time you make love – it will get boring. Get curious – what sort of connection would I love today?
Panic
It’s normal to have blips. One couple came to me about their sex life as the woman had lost all desire. She’d suffered five bereavements in the previous year so it wasn’t surprising, nor was it a reflection on their relationship. She’d temporarily lost her connection with so many other things going on and sure enough they got back on track over time. If you’re in a long term relationship, desire on both sides will ebb and flow – it’s doesn’t mean it will be over forever.

Don’t wait until crisis point

Get help or communicate when you feel it’s going wrong, and not once it’s become a huge issue.
I have couples coming to me when the sex is fine, but they think it can improve and that’s a great time to start, invest in your relationship. And it can be fun to learn together and deepen your relationship.

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