Get any ER doctor drunk at a party and you’re almost guaranteed to get their sleaziest stories of the bizarre things they’ve seen during their careers.
And it’s an absolute certainty that top of their list will be the outrageous items that people have stuffed into their orifices or onto their peen in a desperate bid for sexual pleasure.
But that vacuum cleaner really wasn’t designed to give head; and that bottle – phallic-shaped as it is – really wasn’t designed as a dildo. Anyone making a dildo out of glass is asking for trouble – and internal stitches!
So, in a bid to shine a light on this, er, fascinating side of human behavioural science (and obviously not just sordid filth for you to laugh/gasp at) we bring you the very best anecdotes from brave medics – as well as confessions from those adventurous souls who’ve pushed the boundaries of good taste and proved that necessity really is the mother of invention when it comes to getting off!

COUCH POTATO
New York-based plastic surgeon Joshua Zuckerman fondly remembers some of the most surprising things he had to dislodge from upset rectums. ‘While I was a general surgery resident, I encountered some ‘unique’ objects lodged in the rectum – in medical speak, “rectal foreign bodies,” he explained. ‘In one case, we had to surgically remove a pink softball from someone’s rectum, and in another case, a significantly-sized potato.’

RINGS A BELL(END)
Robert Hartman, a urology specialist in Illinois, treated a man in his 60s who had a wedding ring stuck on his penis. He’d been suffering erectile dysfunction and after doing some research online into ‘cock rings’ he reached for the nearest suitable solution.
‘None of the blood was able to go back into his body,’ explained Dr Hartman. ‘It all got trapped, and his penis was swollen and borderline necrotic.’ After the local fire brigade failed to help, Dr Hartman got hold of a power saw. What happened next sounds HORRIFIC.  ‘As we were trying to remove the ring with the tool, it would glow bright orange, like molten,’ he said. ‘It looked just like the Lord of the Rings ring… but on a penis.’   Miraculously, Dr Hartman reported that the man fully recovered – and learned that Viagra was a safer idea.

WRONG TONG
For anyone wondering if those heated hair tongs could provide something more sexy than gorgeously straight and shiny locks, think again and listen up to this medic’s tale of woe.
‘I’m a nurse in an ER. One day a woman came waddling in with a set of tongs stuck between her legs. She used them to masturbate and inserted the tongs into her vagina. The clip that holds the tongs shut suddenly opened, and the tongs became hopelessly lodged into her vagina. She had to be taken to the operating room to have them surgically removed and nearly perforated her uterus.’  Blimey, that’s enough to make your hair curl!

HELLO DOLLY!
Another nurse recounts her shock when an unsatisfied online shopper did himself a mischief with a tiny arm.
She said, ‘The craziest thing was when a man came in with a Barbie doll’s arm stuck in his urethra (pee hole). Apparently, he’d ordered a sex doll off eBay, but when it arrived it was actually a Barbie doll. He was so angry that he ripped off the doll’s arm and shoved it up his penis!’  This frightening scenario does beg the question: Had he never heard of a refund?

EXPECTO VAGINISIMUS!
Meanwhile, out there in the wonderful world of Reddit confessions, this lady reveals how her love of all things Harry Potter left her wondering if she could create some magic sensations in her naughty bits.
‘I used a model of (I think) Hermione’s wand that I got at the Harry Potter store in London. I thought because of the design carved onto the wood it would feel good – but I ended up stabbing myself in the vag. Do not recommend!’  Sounds like a case of Abracadabr-AARRRGGH!

HEAVY METAL
Turns out it’s not just snowmen who have carrots forcibly shoved into their bodies – but this Reddit confession goes even deeper than that.
‘When I was first experimenting with anal, I went through quite a number of bad items. Always wrapped in a condom, though, because I’m sanitary like that. The worst offenders were a carrot (too pointy dawg) and the metal handle of a whisk. Metal in the ass does not feel good, in my opinion. It really needs to have some give and bend to it, otherwise it gets uncomfortable very fast. Newbies, take it from me: 100% skip “maybe this household object will work” phase and just buy a dildo.’  Wise words!

LOTHARIO IN A LATHER
We seem to have been focusing on things going up bums and va-jay-jays – so how about this tale of a chap who thought it might be fun to stick his peen somewhere he shouldn’t?
‘I tried to stick my dick in a shampoo bottle. My head was too big so all it did was open the pee-hole and pour soap down my urethra. Worst pain I’ve ever been in. 2nd worst pain? Peeing after the burning stopped!’ Bet those pubes were silky smooth, though!

ICE ICE BABY
Meanwhile, for anyone looking for a novel way to survive the next heatwave, this Reddit user has the perfect solution.
‘I used a condom filled with water frozen made into an ice dildo, once I had my fun I inserted the whole thing and kept it inside until it melted, one of the best sexual feelings I’ve ever had.’ This might just explain that look on Elsa’s face in Frozen…

So there we have it, a wonderful journey through the completely unsuitable – and in some cases completely unhealthy – objects used to bring sunshine into an otherwise dull world. We leave the final word to another Reddit user who seems to be able to sum up the entirety of this article in one short sentence. ‘Everything is a dildo if you’re brave enough!’

By Andrew Hartley