Meena*, 38, remembers the first time she felt excluded by her mother-in-law. “It was our first Christmas as a newly married couple and we were hosting. After lunch, we sat down for presents and I realised that my mother-in-law simply hadn’t got me anything. We’d bought her a lovely silk scarf and a brooch, and some books for my father-in-law. As my husband and I had exchanged gifts in the morning, I literally had nothing to open. Then my mother-in-law leaned over and said: ‘I know you like cheese so I thought that could be your present.’ She was referring to the stilton we’d all just eaten after lunch.”

Meena acknowledges that it wasn’t the worst of Christmas “crimes” but she says it was a red flag of what was to come.

“By the next year, we’d had our daughter and she absolutely would not let us host, insisting it was her turn. She had a programme for the day that clashed with all my daughter’s naps and again, she didn’t buy me or my daughter anything, saying, ‘Babies don’t know it’s Christmas’. Meanwhile, she got her son a cashmere jumper and some theatre tickets for them to go out for the evening. When lockdown came and we were able to do our own thing for a couple of years, it was bliss. When I think of spending another Christmas with them, I know I won’t be able to relax – it actually makes me miss the pandemic.”

Unfortunately, Meena’s experience is not uncommon. A major study published last year found that men and women reported having “significantly more” conflict with their mother-in-law than their own mother.

Psychotherapist Lucy Beresford (lucyberesford.com) says that with expectations and emotions running high at this time of year, Christmas can easily become an arena in which these family power struggles play out.

“Often a mother-in-law will have ‘owned’ Christmas for many decades and it’s hard for them to relinquish that control,” she says. “As the daughter-in-law you might be happy to do things ‘her way’ in your 20s but as you hit your stride in your 30s and 40s, you might have your own home, your own family and your own ideas about how you want Christmas to be.” And that’s when tensions start rising to the surface.

Louise*, 43, a solicitor, says that her mother-in-law’s behaviour became more overbearing when she became a grandmother.

“One year, we’d hoped to have a nice Christmas morning on our own with our two girls but my mother-in-law insisted on staying over so that she could ‘see their faces’ once Santa had been.” Only what Louise didn’t expect was for her mother-in-law to be the one who woke up the girls at 4.30am. “It was ridiculous – and not only that, she then bought them smartphones, which we had expressly told her not to give them, as we felt they were too young.”

Emily*, 31, spent her first Christmas with her boyfriend’s family last year. “His mum knows I’m vegetarian but always makes comments about it and for Christmas, she told me to bring my own nut roast. I actually didn’t mind but when I arrived, the first thing she said was: ‘I hope that’s microwaveable because there’s no room for it in my oven.’”

And when it comes to craving a warm welcome, Sara, a photographer, still feels angry when she thinks of the time her now ex-boyfriend invited her to join him, last minute, at a country cottage that his family had rented between Christmas and New Year. “Within the first five minutes, they said: ‘If you’re still on the scene next year, you’ll have to pay money towards the house. You can’t expect another freebie.’ They were so cold towards me!”

Anyone who’s reading this and nodding along might at least find solace in the fact that fraught family Christmasses are not uncommon. Indeed, try dipping your toe in the reddit thread r/motherinlawsfromhell if you want to feel mildly better about your own tricky customer.

But there is one mindshift that can help you feel more equipped to bite your tongue and let the passive aggression-slash-downright hostility wash over you, says Beresford.

“Once you view it through the prism of control, you might find it easier to tolerate,” she says, adding that as we get older, we often find it easier to draw boundaries and stand our ground.

This is something Gemma*, an accountant, recognises. In her early 30s, she remembers feeling humiliated when her mother-in-law held up the gravy boat and said she couldn’t possibly eat the Christmas gravy that Gemma had just made according to her own mother’s trusted recipe.

“I remember going back in the kitchen and remaking it while my dinner went cold. As an older woman, I just wouldn’t do that now but there’s something about Christmas that makes you want to preserve the peace.”

Samantha*, a banker, remembers towing the line in the early days of her marriage to her American husband. “One year we went on holiday for Christmas just the two of us and the following summer, my mother-in-law suddenly announced that she’d booked a trip for us to spend the next Christmas together in Florida. It was all booked but if we wanted to cancel, we had just 24 hours. It felt like that was her way of saying, ‘don’t mess with me’. I went along with it, but if I could go back, I’d be more assertive from the beginning, as her control became something of a theme.”

So why is Christmas such a potential flashpoint for MiL drama?

Clinical psychologist Dr Emma Svanberg says Christmas brings a unique pressure to many families. She explains: “You see the problem less in families that get together multiple times throughout the year. These occasions provide opportunities to reset family dynamics, write new ‘stories’ together as a family, set different boundaries and re-form relationships with members of our extended family based on who we are now. But when you only get together once a year, we tend to revert back to past versions of ourselves, and get stuck in patterns of behaviour.”

As for the common dilemma of where to spend Christmas, Beresford has this suggestion: “Lots of people rotate between sets of parents, but why not bring in a new tradition whereby every third year, you don’t meet up with either set and you simply do your own thing? It’s very important to say to yourself: you have a right to have your own version of Christmas. It’s about having the courage to give yourself permission to take that step. The key thing is to give everyone advance notice of your plans. If you do that, and treat everyone respectfully, then you really should be able to carve out the opportunity to have the Christmas you want.”

Dr Emma Svanberg, author of Parenting for Humans (Vermilion, £16.99), offers these strategies if in-law dynamics start to spiral…

Breathe
“That rush of blood to the head or sick feeling in your tummy is your body getting ready to fight or run away from a perceived attack. Taking long, slow breaths deep into your belly (imagine you are filling it up with air like a balloon) and then breathing out again can let your body know you are safe, and help you feel calmer.”

Self-regulate
“If you know someone isn’t going to change their behaviour but you need to tolerate it, use your senses to help your body feel calm. For example, if someone is telling an inappropriate joke that’s making your blood boil, turn your attention to your feet on the floor, notice how it feels to wiggle your toes – maybe lift them up one by one and then press them back on the ground.”

Escape
“Christmas can be challenging enough with our own family of origin, but with in-laws there’s an extra layer. There are differences in how people celebrate, what people like to eat, how people communicate and unwritten family ‘rules’ about what’s expected. Then there tends to be more alcohol than usual, as well as bad weather, which can mean everyone being cooped up together for longer than usual. If tensions start to rise, take a break – go for a walk or listen to a podcast, anything that helps you hit reset.”

*Names have been changed