Since the birth of their second child, Lila* has slept in a separate bedroom from her husband. He came home late from his job in events and she needed every second of sleep she could manage between night feeds, so it made sense for a few months. But their daughter is almost three, and the arrangement still stands.

‘Neither of us expected it to go on so long, but we talked about it recently and realised we prefer our own sleeping space,’ says the 34-year-old. ‘I think it benefits our relationship because we’re better rested so I’m thankful we have a spare room.’

Once, ‘sleep divorce’ was synonymous with dying relationships: the agreement arrived at when the spark had long fizzled out, but practicalities such as children and shared finances made it too difficult to call it quits. In 2024, it’s an increasingly popular choice among couples who are happy, but find sharing a bed with someone who might snore, hog the duvet or simply work to a different circadian clock than them gets in the way of a good night’s slumber.

Cameron Diaz recently revealed the agreement she has with her husband, guitarist Benji Madden, saying: ‘I will go and sleep in my room. You go sleep in your room. And we have a bedroom in the middle that we can convene in for our relations.’ While this may be easier for a Hollywood star with many bedrooms to choose from, research by the National Bed Federation shows that 15% of British couples who live together are also sleeping apart, with 89% of them doing so in separate rooms.

Sleep is vital for wellbeing and not getting enough can impact us in a host of ways, from putting us more at risk of heart attack and stroke to increasing our chance of suffering depression and anxiety. In the short term, it makes us irritable and snappy with those around us – traits which don’t usually contribute to harmonious relationships.

‘Couples who sleep separately often report that they sleep better, which means they feel better in general – less stressed, calmer, happier, more patient,’ says psychotherapist and relationship coach Susie Masterson. ‘That can obviously bring benefits to their relationship. But it’s often assumed there are downsides in terms of sex and intimacy.’

This was Lila’s biggest fear when it dawned on her that her husband wasn’t angling to get back into the marital bed. ‘Even though I knew I preferred him sleeping in the spare room, I wondered if he had gone off me and that maybe we were condemning ourselves to never having sex again,’ she says.

‘We definitely do have sex a lot less than we used to, but we have two little kids so I guess that’s normal. Those spontaneous nights where you’re lying next to each other and the mood suddenly strikes don’t happen any more – we have to plan sex if we want it to happen. We do it sometimes, but if I’m honest, it’s much easier to do if you’re already in the same bed than if you have to schedule a time when your children aren’t around and you aren’t both exhausted.’

It’s not just sex that can be a casualty of sleep divorce, but a broader sense of closeness. For some couples, the snuggly chats they have in bed are their only ones uninterrupted by work, their phones and the frenetic pace of life in general.

Claire* says it’s this aspect of her relationship with her partner that has suffered since they started sleeping in separate rooms six months ago, due to her sleep apnoea. ‘I’m not worrying about waking him up all the time, but I miss the random conversations we’d have before we drifted off to sleep,’ she says. ‘We don’t have children and our sex life is still good, but I don’t feel quite as close to him as I used to.’

Susie says the key to keeping a relationship healthy even if a couple chooses sleep divorce is communication. ‘It doesn’t have to be the case that intimacy takes a nose-dive because you sleep separately,’ she says. ‘Often, what chips away at that intimacy is a lack of open conversations about what you’re doing and how you feel about it – that can lead to misunderstandings, for instance with one person thinking the other doesn’t want to sleep with them, without actually asking.’

To keep the intimacy alive, she says, ‘I’d advise making sure you have regular time alone, whether it’s a date night or just a walk, so you can talk properly. When it comes to your sleeping arrangements, could you reintroduce some time in bed together to get those benefits sometimes? It doesn’t have to be all or nothing.’

For Lila, the idea she and her husband might never return to sharing a bed every night is a liberating one. ‘I think we need to work on having more sex, but I don’t think we need to sleep together,’ she says. ‘We’re happier without it.’

*Names have been changed