As a divorce consultant, I’ve seen first-hand all the reasons why couples separate. When people think of divorce, factors such as infidelity, blow-out arguments and family rifts come to mind. And yes, sometimes these play a part. But most of the time, people get divorced not because of one really big thing but because of lots of little things that end up being too big to overcome. No one gets married with the intention of getting divorced, but the painful truth is that a lot of couples simply drift apart – and that can be heartbreaking to accept. My job is to support them through this challenging process as best as I can.

I worked as a family lawyer at two of London’s top firms for the last decade. I absolutely loved my job and especially all my clients. I got promoted to legal director this year but started training as a therapist last autumn. Divorce can be just awful, and it can take over your life in a way that is difficult to understand unless you work with people going through it, you have been through it, or you’ve supported a friend or family member through it.

In meetings with my divorce clients, I could see how stressed they were. Divorce is a life event, not just a legal event. There are the emotional and practical sides to it. All this got me thinking: what would I want if I was separating? How can you do this better? I wanted to find a point somewhere between being a therapist and a lawyer, to guide couples through the process. My divorce consultancy, The Base Divorce & Separation Consultancy, is born out of that.

I see people of all ages, and a mix of men and women. A lot of the time, their heads are spinning with worries. It tends to be stuff about children, the house, school holidays and money. Overall, it’s uncertainty that’s keeping them awake at night, and the overwhelming question: what will my life be like after all this?
The effect on people’s mental health can be huge and it’s common for people to have really tough weeks. Maybe you planned to be on holiday and you’re having to deal with emails from your lawyer, or you’re trying to negotiate a financial settlement so you can stay out of court. There’s also more stigma around getting divorced than people think. Clients have told me that they stopped getting invited to things, or people don’t know what to say to them anymore. That can be incredibly lonely. It’s helpful to have someone to talk to who is compassionate and knows this process inside out, but also a step removed from your lives.

When it comes to the reasons why people divorce, every couple is different, but there are common threads. The first one is simply that people grow apart rather than together. We tend to imagine that divorce comes from something big and dramatic, like an affair or one person being dreadful, but mostly it comes from little things that build up over time. You can be in a couple, but you can be living parallel lives, especially if you’re both busy. Then something happens that makes you stand back and take stock – maybe it’s the pandemic, retirement, or a health scare – and you realise you are lonely in your marriage, and that you don’t really know each other anymore. If you can find ways to keep communication open then maybe you can bridge that gap, but it’s hard.

The second reason is a bit of a cliché: it’s not you, it’s me. Lots of us associate affairs with divorce, but infidelity can  be a symptom, rather than the cause, of the marital breakdown. There’s an interesting therapist called Esther Perel, who writes about how affairs can often be about an identity crisis. It’s not necessarily the result of an unhappy marriage but it can come from one person feeling like they’ve lost themselves somehow. The affair gives them a chance to reconnect with that lost part or escape from turning into someone they didn’t want to be. But one person’s search can have a devastating impact on a marriage and can be the catalyst for separation.

The third reason is maybe you were never getting quite what you thought you were. People are so different – some of us are careful, some of us fall in love because we need something at a particular time and some of us enjoy the intoxicating feelings that come with being in love. Whatever it is, it can be easy to commit without knowing exactly what you’re committing to. A question I’ve thought about a lot is: how long does it really take to get to know someone? Is it months? Is it years? Can we marry someone without really knowing who they are at the beginning? Or maybe we’re hoping they’re someone we need them to be. In these cases, sometimes it works out and couples grow together, and in other cases it doesn’t.

Divorce can be hard, painful, and complicated, but seeing clients come through it is such a privilege. I’ve had so many people say, ‘I need this to end’ and ‘I’m never going to get through this’ and then I’ll see them years later and it’s almost always turned out better than they anticipated. I wish that I could show the people that are in the middle of it what the end of it could look like. 

My top tip for couples navigating a divorce would be just to take a minute. When we’re stressed, we get stuck in survival responses of fight, flight, freeze. Whatever your default response is, it’s not usually the time to either do everything or nothing. Try and find a way to take a breath and think about what you want, and get an outline of a plan without feeling like you need to take any steps.

Another top tip is to get the right people around you. Choose the right advisers – do you need a lawyer, a therapist, a financial advisor, a divorce consultant? There are lots of resources that can give you information about the divorce process. Find friends and family members you feel safe enough to talk to. A kind, listening ear can go a long way.

It’s so important to take care of yourself. Divorce can be much more consuming than people think and there are practical ways you can deal with it. You might have protected time where you don’t do anything related to the divorce, such as a certain time in the evening, or set up a separate email account for matters related to the divorce so reminders aren’t constantly popping up on your phone.

And finally, just know that it will end. At some point, you will be free of it, and there’s light at the other end of the tunnel.

As told to Alice Hall