Joy’s sex life completely changed when she went for a post-divorce sensual massage. What she discovered, and felt, opened up her perspective on how she defined sexual arousal, and what can feel erotic outside of conventional acts. It blew her mind, and introduced her to the concept of ‘warm’ sex.

‘I went out dating a bit after my divorce and found penetrative sex very disappointing and unfulfilling,’ the 46-year old tells Grazia. ‘Warm sex appealed because you spend so much more time touching and stroking sensually, getting to know someone’s body, reading responses and generally connecting in a much more intimate and nurturing way with someone.”

What exactly is warm sex, you ask? Well, it’s essentially sex without penetration. According to research, many are exploring non-penetrative sex, which experts have coined ‘warm sex’ to differentiate from ‘hot’, or rather penetrative, sex. Also described as outercourse, it can vary from reading erotic novels, taking a sensual bath or massage to nipple play, dirty talk or watching porn together. The possibilities are endless. Specifically, it allows for a more varied definition of erotic play, defining pleasure outside of penetration alone.

Non-penetrative sexual activity is becoming more exciting to do and talk about for many women and men – and this can only be a good thing for your sexual experience, whether you are straight, queer, neurodivergent or suffering from a condition that makes penetration painful or uncomfortable. Research is admittedly limited, as is often the case when it comes to studies around non-conventional sexual practices that may empower women and queer people – but one small 2023 study found that 59% of respondents engaged in non-penetrative practices at least once a week.

Being open to non-penetrative elements of sexual play has many benefits. Sexologist Madalaine Munro points out that focusing too much on penetration during sex can ‘reinforce heteronormative scripts and the gender orgasm gap’. Essentially, give it a try and you might actually orgasm, ladies!

‘Prioritising penetration can reinforce cultural narratives where men’s pleasure is centred while women’s pleasure is deprioritised,’ she explains. ‘Since women often need different forms of stimulation to experience orgasms, penetration alone can lead to frustration, dissatisfaction, or even fawning in the bedroom.’

Madalaine adds that a conventional tendency to prioritise penetrative sex can also create a ‘goal-orientated approach to sex’ which can lead to pressure and anxiety instead of mutual building towards pleasure, as well as perpetuating harmful and unrealistic myths from mainstream porn. It can also exclude people who may find penetration uncomfortable, such as those with conditions such as vaginismus, endometriosis, hormonal changes from menopause or postpartum recovery, or even some members of the neurodivergent community.

‘For some neurodivergent people, they may have sensitivities to certain types of touch, textures, or deep pressure,’ Madalaine explains. ‘Outercourse allows for exploration of sensation at a personalised pace and creates a space for honest communication, and feedback around what feels good.’

Railey, 37, tells Grazia that a movement towards prioritising warm sex with her partner has changed the way she perceives her own pleasure. ‘For a long time, I believed that sex was supposed to look a certain way: penetration was the main event, and everything else was just warming up,’ she says. ‘The more I explored my own pleasure, the more I realised that my body responds deeply to connection, sensation, and presence rather than just the mechanics of penetration. Traditional sex narratives, for me, are too performance-based, focused on achieving orgasm in a very linear way, but I wanted something more intimate and fulfilling. Non-penetrative sex allows me to slow down.’

As well as offering less conventional options for heteronormative sexual play, prioritising and embracing warm sex is inclusive and validating towards queer sexuality. ‘By focusing on touch, mutual pleasure, energy exchange, and sensuality, outercourse allows for a wider range of sexual experiences that are not tied to heteronormative cisgendered roles or expectations,’ Madalaine explains.

Jennie, 31, tells Grazia that a huge part of her movement towards prioritising warm sex was her exploration of her queer identity. ‘My experiences with women got me into non-penetrative sex,’ she says. ‘There is something so delicious about slowing down and really getting to know someone that adds to the fire.’

Warm, non-penetrative sex can also work to empower and include members of the trans and non-binary community, according to Madalaine. ‘For trans and non-binary individuals, penetrative sex can be a possible trigger for dysphoria,’ she explains. ‘Outercourse can help step away from cisgender approaches to encompass the possibilities of pleasure that honour their gender identity, and their unique way of experiencing arousal and desire in their body.’

Shifting focus from penetration to the connection and sensuality that comes with warm sex can also address the gender orgasm gap, a huge issue that must be addressed. A 2024 study found that 82% of men reported orgasming during their most recent casual sexual encounter compared with only 32% of women.

According to Madalaine, warm sex supports ‘responsive desire’, which women most often experience, and is based around arousal and interest in sex being responsive to experience, and can take time to build. This is in comparison to ‘spontaneous desire’, which is most likely to be held by men and take less time and attention to build. Exploring different types of stimulation and remembering that a non-linear approach – where neither penetration nor quick orgasm is the focus – can both be done through warm sex, and can go a long way to give people with vulvas the most excellent orgasms, in terms of frequency and intensity.

Railey has reaped the benefits of this. ‘When I stopped focusing on penetration as the main event of sex, I started having way more orgasms that were much more intense,’ she says. ‘There’s a deeper sense of surrender and relaxation that allows pleasure to happen in a way that feels natural and powerful.

‘I really understand why there’s an orgasm gap. I fall into the category of women who need more than just a few minutes of penetration to orgasm.’

She adds that warm sex has done wonders for both her own sexual fulfillment and her relationship with her partner. ‘I’ve discovered that my body is capable of so much more than I thought. I now have multiple types of orgasms, different kinds of arousal, and an even deeper emotional connection to my husband,’ Railey continues.

Jennie agrees, adding that orgasms from outercourse are more intense with a build up, with Joy confirming that the ‘sexual pleasure is heightened, with the duration much longer’ as well.

Above all, bringing warm sex into your sex life – whether with a partner or not – can be an excellent way to get to know your body better and get the best out of your sexual adventures, as well as rejecting non-conventional sexual norms that don’t suit you and bringing a more inclusive attitude towards a variety of groups, bodies and kinks.

‘Whether solo or with a partner, exploring outercourse and stepping away from sexual scripts of what we are used to can rewire the brain’s response to pleasure, creating deeper and more profound experiences,’ Madalaine explains.
Joy felt these benefits, describing her prioritisation of warm sexual experiences as creating a ‘whole-of-body experience and truly empowering’. ‘I have become liberated, open and have brushed off any sense of shame or guilt,’ she says. ‘I wish more women would insist on non penetrative sex to experience the pleasure their bodies are capable of.’

Railey agrees, reflecting on how shifting her ways of sexual thinking has changed her relationship with her sense of self. ‘Non-penetrative sex has been a journey of self-discovery, self-love, and deep intimacy,’ she says. ‘And it’s one that I wouldn’t trade for anything.’