As the UK’s first ever ‘kink shrink’, it’s fair to say I’ve seen it all. Nothing really shocks me anymore. It’s not an official title, of course, but one I’ve come to be known by.

After retiring as a nurse practitioner due to disability, I spent over a decade working as a Samaritan and that is where I realised my passion was helping people in need of mental health support. I qualified as a relationship counsellor, which is when I heard that lots of people in the kink community are wary about seeking therapy, because they fear being judged or misunderstood. I added ‘Kink welcoming’ to my profile listing on counselling websites, and I got a sudden influx of clients. Turns out, there’s a huge demand for what I’m offering.

So, what does a kink shrink do exactly? I provide focused and welcoming support for members of the kink community. So many people in unhealthy, unsafe, or unhappy dynamics find themselves afraid or unwilling to seek help over fear of being judged or misunderstood. I want to change that. The job isn’t about telling people how to have sex – it’s helping people to have the relationships they want so they can get the sex they want in a more life-affirming, positive, satisfactory way.

I’m not part of the kink community. I’d never want to be seen as someone coming in from the outside and telling them they’re doing it wrong. I just want people to have the love they want in the way they want it, with no judgement. I worked as a nurse through the AIDS crisis in the 80s, and I’ve had enough of seeing people experience shame.

My role is so important now that kink is entering the mainstream. I have a fairly even split of male and female clients, and couples too. I see people until late in the evening in my cosy therapy room, and I have clients from all over the world who I speak to on Zoom.

It’s important to remember that I only see people who things aren’t working for. There’s a vast community of people out there who are completely happy with their kink dynamic and are doing their own thing in a happy, respectful, way. Sadly, a small part of the community can be prey to abusers who go above and beyond to push people’s boundaries. When I deal with cases of abuse, it’s often with younger women who are less experienced – someone may have offered to teach them about BDSM, for instance, and ignored their boundaries. Often, the psychological impact of this is far worse than the physical.

For problems related to masturbation, I see a fairly even split of men and women. It always surprises me how much shame people feel for things that are part of a healthy, human sexuality, like masturbating with your partner’s underwear. Masturbation is healthy, and if a person feels closer to their partner by using their underwear, I try to help them to deal with their negative feelings.

I have known people build up an incredible amount of shame and asking me to help them stop. I try to navigate myself into that person’s frame of reference, to understand where the shame is coming from. Maybe someone told them it wasn’t ok once, or they picked up messages when they were children that told them that their bodies were dirty and taboo.

However, I need to have strong boundaries myself. When I’m doing an assessment with a man about masturbation, for example, I say ‘we’ll talk about it, because it’s causing you distress. But if you’re talking about it to get off, then I’m not doing that.’ Although the job can take its toll, we’re very well trained to care for ourselves. We have monthly sessions with an experienced therapist who is trained in supervision. They’re always on the other end of the phone if we’re upset about something, and we never have to carry anything on our own.

I also see a lot of couples with misaligned desires. One partner may be into something, and the other isn’t. My job is to help the two communicate their needs and wants as individuals, to see if they can come to some sort of compromise or reframing of the issue. Sometimes they can’t. The saddest duty you have then is to help them separate in the least painful way possible. There’s no bad person, no one’s had an affair, it’s just a build-up of problems.

I tend to see kink trends coming in waves. One of the things I see the most is BDSM, which seems to be much more mainstream now. After care is also so important in BDSM. After having sex, the Sub can experience something called a sub drop, which is an intense experience which can be caused by using up all their happy chemicals. They can get quite low and depressed afterwards. A good Dom will check to make sure they’re feeling ok and show them some love and tenderness. What people often forget is the Dom needs love too. I’ve seen firsthand how a lack of aftercare can be really damaging.

Another thing I’m seeing a lot of now is trends that involve body fluids, such as ‘golden showers’ – when someone urinates on their partner. I’m also seeing a lot of cuckolding – a kink when someone gets turned on by watching their partner sharing sexual acts with someone else. Kink partners will usually have a list of things people can veto in and out when they make their contracted agreement, where they can rule out things that are a little more extreme.

When it comes to navigating a kink dynamic safely, my top tip is to communicate, communicate, communicate. One way to do this is to use a traffic light system – green is fine, amber is this is getting close to what I can tolerate and red is stop it now. Always have a safe word you wouldn’t normally say, remember it, and deploy it when you need to. Also, always do your research. There’s plenty of stuff online but look at more than one source. Reddit has quite a few BDSM subreddits that are run by the community and offer lots of sound advice.

I don’t talk about my job much outside work. When somebody says they’re a sex therapist, they’re often met with responses such as ‘do you bring your work home with you?’ or ‘do you do practical sessions?’ It can be exhausting having to hear all of that.

But I’m immensely proud of what I do. I’m taught something new from every client and each one gets me to see the world differently. That isn’t something I take for granted.