Work, dinner with the girls, sex. This diary entry is the new reality for couples who are increasing opting to schedule sex into their calendars. And although it may not sound romantic on the surface, it could be the key to having a more fulfilling sex life in our busy lives.

Just take Nick and Vanessa Lachey, c-ohosts of reality dating show Love Is Blind, who recently revealed they have a set day of the week where they get down to business in an interview with BRIDES. The couple, who have been married for 13 years, share three children together, but keep the spark alive in their busy lives by assigning Wednesday – aka ‘hump day’ – as a day for intimacy.

When speaking about her husband’s initial reaction to scheduling sex, Vanessa said: ‘”He’s like, ‘What, schedule a sex day?’” It sounds weird when you say that, so we decided: Wednesday—hump day.’ Vanessa went on to detail how the couple had fallen out of routine of their schedule since moving from Hawaii to Los Angeles, but she’s hoping to get back into it soon. ‘I don’t want the time that we have for intimacy and connection to be taken over by logistics, but that’s our life,’ she added. ‘I think we’re coming into an age of having to have a hump day and a logistics day.’ ‘Happy hump day and calendar dump day,’ Nick quipped.

The couple also revealed that couple’s counselling helps to keep their marriage healthy. ‘It’s nice for them to see that, yes, we’ve been together 19 years, married for 13, and we are seeing a therapist, and we still have problems,’ said Vanessa. ‘It’s really important to have a third-person perspective that’s an unbiased opinion.’ Nick went on to explain how he was committed to working on their marriage. ‘Anything that’s worth having takes work,’ he said. ‘To me, that’s a cornerstone of life, and marriage is no different. There’s no shame in that.’ He added ‘There’s no perfect person. There’s just your person.’

What Nick and Vanessa are referring to is known as ‘sex scheduling’ – when couple’s deliberately reserve specific times in their diaries to have sex, scheduling the act as you would a meal out or a concert. The thinking behind sex scheduling is to prioritise sexual intimacy at a time when our lives are more jam packed than ever.

‘In the therapy room, I see that scheduled sex works brilliantly for some couples, while for others, diarising intimacy simply amplifies the sense of obligation, duty, anxiety or even dread,’ says Natasha Silverman, Relationship & Psychosexual Therapist at bednerdz.com [https://bednerdz.com] ‘It completely depends how each partner approaches scheduled intimacy, and the extent to which they understand and can communicate about sex and what it brings up for each of them.’

Silverman explains that one of the biggest benefits of scheduling sex is that it removes the cycle of ‘rejection and uncertainty,’ continuing ‘many couples, especially those with mismatched desire, get stuck in a dynamic where one partner constantly initiates and the other often says no. Lower desire partners rarely reject their partner because they don’t love them, but because their desire is activated differently.’

But just how common is sex scheduling? One study by wedding planning site The Knot found that just 2% of people reported scheduling sex, although 24% responded that they weren’t happy with their sex lives. The number of people scheduling sex increased when it came to married individuals, with 14% reporting that they schedule sex, while 36% said they were satisfied with their sex lives.

When it comes to how often couple’s schedule sex, one study found that once a week was the sweet spot. In 2015, researchers from the University of Toronto Mississauga studied the sexual habits of over 25,000 people in the US, aged 18 to 89, and found that weekly sex was best for maximum well-being among couples. This was true for everyone, regardless of whether the people were younger or older, men or women, newlyweds, or had been together for decades.

As sex scheduling becomes more popular, the discourse around it is increasing on social media.  One user, sharing a picture of a book called scheduled or spontaneous sex?, wrote ‘I see nothing wrong with scheduling sex. Sometimes it just doesn’t happen otherwise. Plus, then I know to shave my legs Also, having been in a long distance relationship, sex wasn’t exactly scheduled but it was a given each time we saw each other and that was scheduled so…’

Some of the most common criticism around sex scheduling is that it’s boring or that it takes the spontaneity out of intimacy. One user took to X to dismantle this idea, writing ‘Scheduling sex  = not boring, not a sign that your sex life is dead. Reframe it as an opportunity to build sexual tension, and nine times out of ten, the sex itself will be hotter.’ Several users agreed with her, with one writing ‘I love the anticipation! Sometimes I think helps to set a time limit, too.’ Another commented ‘As someone with a spontaneous spirit, even I have to agree with this! As long as you’re with good company it’s going to be a good time.’ However, others disagreed. One user wrote ‘If ur living with someone and have to schedule sex to make sure it still happens then your relationship has failed.’ Another said ‘Until your partner reneges or simply forgets.’

Want to start scheduling your sex life? The key is to approach it with an open mind, says Annabelle Knight, sex and relationship expert at Lovehoney. ‘Remember that you’re not scheduling specific hands and body parts to be in specific places at specific times; you’re carving out time for physical intimacy of any kind. This doesn’t necessarily equate to penetrative sex, but can involve any form of pleasure. It’s ‘sex’ as you and your partner define it together,’ she says. ‘You may not even actually do anything physical – you might choose to use your time to talk about sex and what you both want from it. Because scheduling sex won’t help you advocate for your wants and desires, so be clear about them with your partner. Because if those desires aren’t met, sex can become unappealing.’

Knight recommends thinking of scheduling sex as ‘a way to build up anticipation,’ continuing ‘it can be as simple as one of you saying “Hey, I’ve been thinking about us doing XYZ all day; I’d really like to have sex tonight – can we make that happen?” You then may spend the rest of the day sending flirty texts back and forth, and by the time you’re together, the tension is simply unbearable.’

Silverman agrees, adding that couples should always allow for flexibility. ‘If the scheduled night arrives and one of you isn’t in the mood, shift the focus to another form of intimacy rather than forcing it,’ she says. ‘Sex is just one part of connection – true intimacy is about creating a space where both partners feel wanted, safe, and excited to be together, in whatever way feels right that day,’ she says.