[et_pb_section fb_built=”1″ _builder_version=”4.20.4″ _module_preset=”default” global_colors_info=”{}”][et_pb_row _builder_version=”4.20.4″ _module_preset=”default” global_colors_info=”{}”][et_pb_column type=”4_4″ _builder_version=”4.20.4″ _module_preset=”default” global_colors_info=”{}”][et_pb_text module_class=”custom-post-title” _builder_version=”4.20.4″ _module_preset=”default” header_font=”Black Han Sans|700||on|||||” header_text_align=”center” header_font_size=”46px” header_letter_spacing=”4px” custom_margin=”25px||5px||false|false” custom_padding=”0px||0px||true|false” global_colors_info=”{}”]<\/p>\n
[\/et_pb_text][et_pb_text module_class=”credit-name” _builder_version=”4.20.4″ _module_preset=”default” text_font=”Black Han Sans|||on|||||” text_text_color=”#000000″ header_4_font=”|||on|||||” header_4_text_align=”center” text_orientation=”center” custom_margin=”||0px||false|false” global_colors_info=”{}”]<\/p>\n
WORDS: Fiona Cowood<\/strong><\/p>\n [\/et_pb_text][et_pb_image src=”https:\/\/flatplan-plus-content.s3.eu-west-1.amazonaws.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/6\/2023\/11\/fullwidth.62b34ca2.jpg” alt=”relaxed woman” title_text=”fullwidth.62b34ca2″ force_fullwidth=”on” _builder_version=”4.20.4″ _module_preset=”default” global_colors_info=”{}”][\/et_pb_image][et_pb_text _builder_version=”4.20.4″ _module_preset=”default” global_colors_info=”{}”]<\/p>\n Meena*, 38, remembers the first time she felt excluded by her mother-in-law. \u201cIt was our first Christmas as a newly married couple and we were hosting. After lunch, we sat down for presents and I realised that my mother-in-law simply hadn\u2019t got me anything. We\u2019d bought her a lovely silk scarf and a brooch, and some books for my father-in-law. As my husband and I had exchanged gifts in the morning, I literally had nothing to open. Then my mother-in-law leaned over and said: \u2018I know you like cheese so I thought that could be your present.\u2019 She was referring to the stilton we\u2019d all just eaten after lunch.\u201d<\/p>\n Meena acknowledges that it wasn\u2019t the worst of Christmas \u201ccrimes\u201d but she says it was a red flag of what was to come. <\/p>\n \u201cBy the next year, we\u2019d had our daughter and she absolutely would not let us host, insisting it was her turn. She had a programme for the day that clashed with all my daughter\u2019s naps and again, she didn\u2019t buy me or my daughter anything, saying, \u2018Babies don\u2019t know it\u2019s Christmas\u2019. Meanwhile, she got her son a cashmere jumper and some theatre tickets for them<\/em> to go out for the evening. When lockdown came and we were able to do our own thing for a couple of years, it was bliss. When I think of spending another Christmas with them, I know I won\u2019t be able to relax \u2013 it actually makes me miss the pandemic.\u201d<\/p>\n [\/et_pb_text][et_pb_text module_class=”custom-quote” _builder_version=”4.20.4″ _module_preset=”default” header_2_font=”Libre Bodoni|||on|||||” header_2_text_align=”center” header_2_text_color=”#333333″ header_2_font_size=”40px” header_2_line_height=”1.2em” global_colors_info=”{}”]<\/p>\n [\/et_pb_text][et_pb_text _builder_version=”4.20.4″ _module_preset=”default” global_colors_info=”{}”]<\/p>\n Unfortunately, Meena\u2019s experience is not uncommon. A major study published last year found that men and women reported having \u201csignificantly more\u201d conflict with their mother-in-law than their own mother.<\/p>\n Psychotherapist Lucy Beresford (lucyberesford.com) says that with expectations and emotions running high at this time of year, Christmas can easily become an arena in which these family power struggles play out.<\/p>\n \u201cOften a mother-in-law will have \u2018owned\u2019 Christmas for many decades and it\u2019s hard for them to relinquish that control,\u201d she says. \u201cAs the daughter-in-law you might be happy to do things \u2018her way\u2019 in your 20s but as you hit your stride in your 30s and 40s, you might have your own home, your own family and your own ideas about how you want Christmas to be.\u201d And that\u2019s when tensions start rising to the surface.<\/p>\n Louise*, 43, a solicitor, says that her mother-in-law\u2019s behaviour became more overbearing when she became a grandmother.<\/p>\n \u201cOne year, we\u2019d hoped to have a nice Christmas morning on our own with our two girls but my mother-in-law insisted on staying over so that she could \u2018see their faces\u2019 once Santa had been.\u201d Only what Louise didn\u2019t expect was for her mother-in-law to be the one who woke up the girls at 4.30am. \u201cIt was ridiculous – and not only that, she then bought them smartphones, which we had expressly told her not to give them, as we felt they were too young.\u201d<\/p>\n Emily*, 31, spent her first Christmas with her boyfriend\u2019s family last year. \u201cHis mum knows I\u2019m vegetarian but always makes comments about it and for Christmas, she told me to bring my own nut roast. I actually didn\u2019t mind but when I arrived, the first thing she said was: \u2018I hope that\u2019s microwaveable because there\u2019s no room for it in my oven.\u2019\u201d<\/p>\n And when it comes to craving a warm welcome, Sara, a photographer, still feels angry when she thinks of the time her now ex-boyfriend invited her to join him, last minute, at a country cottage that his family had rented between Christmas and New Year. \u201cWithin the first five minutes, they said: \u2018If you\u2019re still on the scene next year, you\u2019ll have to pay money towards the house. You can\u2019t expect another freebie.\u2019 They were so cold towards me!\u201d<\/p>\n Anyone who\u2019s reading this and nodding along might at least find solace in the fact that fraught family Christmasses are not uncommon. Indeed, try dipping your toe in the reddit thread r\/motherinlawsfromhell if you want to feel mildly better about your own tricky customer.<\/p>\n But there is one mindshift that can help you feel more equipped to bite your tongue and let the passive aggression-slash-downright hostility wash over you, says Beresford.<\/p>\n [\/et_pb_text][et_pb_text module_class=”custom-quote” _builder_version=”4.20.4″ _module_preset=”default” header_2_font=”Libre Bodoni|||on|||||” header_2_text_align=”center” header_2_text_color=”#333333″ header_2_font_size=”40px” header_2_line_height=”1.2em” global_colors_info=”{}”]<\/p>\n [\/et_pb_text][et_pb_text _builder_version=”4.20.4″ _module_preset=”default” global_colors_info=”{}”]<\/p>\n \u201cOnce you view it through the prism of control, you might find it easier to tolerate,\u201d she says, adding that as we get older, we often find it easier to draw boundaries and stand our ground.<\/p>\n This is something Gemma*, an accountant, recognises. In her early 30s, she remembers feeling humiliated when her mother-in-law held up the gravy boat and said she couldn\u2019t possibly eat the Christmas gravy that Gemma had just made according to her own mother\u2019s trusted recipe.<\/p>\n \u201cI remember going back in the kitchen and remaking it while my dinner went cold. As an older woman, I just wouldn\u2019t do that now but there\u2019s something about Christmas that makes you want to preserve the peace.\u201d<\/p>\n Samantha*, a banker, remembers towing the line in the early days of her marriage to her American husband. \u201cOne year we went on holiday for Christmas just the two of us and the following summer, my mother-in-law suddenly announced that she\u2019d booked a trip for us to spend the next Christmas together in Florida. It was all booked but if we wanted to cancel, we had just 24 hours. It felt like that was her way of saying, \u2018don\u2019t mess with me\u2019. I went along with it, but if I could go back, I\u2019d be more assertive from the beginning, as her control became something of a theme.\u201d<\/p>\n So why is Christmas such a potential flashpoint for MiL drama?<\/p>\n Clinical psychologist Dr Emma Svanberg says Christmas brings a unique pressure to many families. She explains: \u201cYou see the problem less in families that get together multiple times throughout the year. These occasions provide opportunities to reset family dynamics, write new \u2018stories\u2019 together as a family, set different boundaries and re-form relationships with members of our extended family based on who we are now. But when you only get together once a year, we tend to revert back to past versions of ourselves, and get stuck in patterns of behaviour.\u201d<\/p>\n [\/et_pb_text][et_pb_text module_class=”custom-quote” _builder_version=”4.20.4″ _module_preset=”default” header_2_font=”Libre Bodoni|||on|||||” header_2_text_align=”center” header_2_text_color=”#333333″ header_2_font_size=”40px” header_2_line_height=”1.2em” global_colors_info=”{}”]<\/p>\n [\/et_pb_text][et_pb_text _builder_version=”4.20.4″ _module_preset=”default” global_colors_info=”{}”]<\/p>\n As for the common dilemma of where to spend Christmas, Beresford has this suggestion: \u201cLots of people rotate between sets of parents, but why not bring in a new tradition whereby every third year, you don\u2019t meet up with either set and you simply do your own thing? It\u2019s very important to say to yourself: you have a right to have your own version of Christmas. It\u2019s about having the courage to give yourself permission to take that step. The key thing is to give everyone advance notice of your plans. If you do that, and treat everyone respectfully, then you really should be able to carve out the opportunity to have the Christmas you<\/em> want.\u201d<\/p>\n <\/p>\n [\/et_pb_text][et_pb_text module_class=”fp-in-article-bold” _builder_version=”4.20.4″ _module_preset=”default” text_font=”Black Han Sans|||on|||||” text_font_size=”18px” global_colors_info=”{}”]<\/p>\n How to stay calm in the moment<\/p>\n [\/et_pb_text][et_pb_text _builder_version=”4.20.4″ _module_preset=”default” global_colors_info=”{}”]<\/p>\n Dr Emma Svanberg, author of Parenting for Humans (Vermilion, \u00a316.99), offers these strategies if in-law dynamics start to spiral\u2026<\/p>\n Breathe<\/strong> Self-regulate<\/strong> Escape<\/strong> *Names have been changed<\/em><\/p>\n <\/p>\n [\/et_pb_text][et_pb_divider color=”#111111″ divider_position=”center” divider_weight=”2px” module_class=”custom-divider” _builder_version=”4.20.4″ _module_preset=”default” custom_margin=”0px||0px||false|false” custom_padding=”0px||0px||false|false” global_colors_info=”{}”][\/et_pb_divider][et_pb_divider color=”#111111″ divider_position=”center” divider_weight=”2px” module_class=”custom-divider” _builder_version=”4.20.4″ _module_preset=”default” custom_margin=”0px||0px||false|false” custom_padding=”0px||0px||false|false” global_colors_info=”{}”][\/et_pb_divider][et_pb_text module_class=”credit-texts” _builder_version=”4.20.4″ _module_preset=”default” text_font=”|||on|||||” text_orientation=”center” global_colors_info=”{}”]<\/p>\n IMAGE: Getty<\/span><\/strong><\/p>\n [\/et_pb_text][\/et_pb_column][\/et_pb_row][\/et_pb_section]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" The pressure to be together enjoying the most \u201cwonderful time of the year\u201d can make Christmas a flashpoint for in-law relationships. Here, women spill their horror stories and experts share their survival advice<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":9,"featured_media":1853,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"_et_pb_use_builder":"on","_et_pb_old_content":"","_et_gb_content_width":"","_lmt_disableupdate":"","_lmt_disable":"","footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-1852","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-uncategorized"],"acf":[],"modified_by":"revans","_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/flatplanplus.io\/grazia\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1852","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/flatplanplus.io\/grazia\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/flatplanplus.io\/grazia\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/flatplanplus.io\/grazia\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/9"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/flatplanplus.io\/grazia\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=1852"}],"version-history":[{"count":5,"href":"https:\/\/flatplanplus.io\/grazia\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1852\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":1859,"href":"https:\/\/flatplanplus.io\/grazia\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1852\/revisions\/1859"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/flatplanplus.io\/grazia\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/1853"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/flatplanplus.io\/grazia\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=1852"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/flatplanplus.io\/grazia\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=1852"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/flatplanplus.io\/grazia\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=1852"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}‘She woke up the girls at 4.30am’<\/h2>\n
‘She said she couldn\u2019t possibly eat the Christmas gravy that I had just made’<\/h2>\n
you have a right to have your own version of Christmas<\/h2>\n
\u201cThat rush of blood to the head or sick feeling in your tummy is your body getting ready to fight or run away from a perceived attack. Taking long, slow breaths deep into your belly (imagine you are filling it up with air like a balloon) and then breathing out again can let your body know you are safe, and help you feel calmer.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cIf you know someone isn\u2019t going to change their behaviour but you need to tolerate it, use your senses to help your body feel calm. For example, if someone is telling an inappropriate joke that\u2019s making your blood boil, turn your attention to your feet on the floor, notice how it feels to wiggle your toes – maybe lift them up one by one and then press them back on the ground.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cChristmas can be challenging enough with our own family of origin, but with in-laws there\u2019s an extra layer. There are differences in how people celebrate, what people like to eat, how people communicate and unwritten family \u2018rules\u2019 about what\u2019s expected. Then there tends to be more alcohol than usual, as well as bad weather, which can mean everyone being cooped up together for longer than usual. If tensions start to rise, take a break – go for a walk or listen to a podcast, anything that helps you hit reset.\u201d<\/p>\n