Words by Gaby Hinsliff<\/strong><\/p>[\/et_pb_text][et_pb_image src=”https:\/\/flatplan-plus-content.s3.eu-west-1.amazonaws.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/6\/2024\/06\/GettyImages-149616614-copy.jpg” alt=”Jennifer Aniston” title_text=”Caucasian mother comforting son” force_fullwidth=”on” _builder_version=”4.20.4″ _module_preset=”default” hover_enabled=”0″ global_colors_info=”{}” theme_builder_area=”post_content” sticky_enabled=”0″][\/et_pb_image][et_pb_text _builder_version=”4.20.4″ _module_preset=”default” min_height=”107px” hover_enabled=”0″ global_colors_info=”{}” theme_builder_area=”post_content” sticky_enabled=”0″] When Ruth Whippman announced she was expecting her third son, she wasn\u2019t expecting sympathy. The result of all this was BoyMum, her memoir about raising sons to do better – but without treating them all like mini-rapists in waiting. \u201cI felt like if I were experiencing all these conflicting emotions then presumably other people were too,\u201d she explains over Zoom from the Californian home she shares with husband Neil and sons Solly, Zephy and Abe (now 13, 10 and 6.) <\/p>\n This is delicate terrain, and Whippman – a British ex- BBC journalist – stresses repeatedly that she\u2019s not endorsing some dubious men\u2019s rights movement or minimising violence against women. But as the mother of a 17-year-old boy, I recognise the feeling she describes of being thrilled to see girls more empowered, and anxious to raise good men, but worried about lost and alienated boys being drawn to the easy answers of misogynistic YouTubers. Many mothers of sons meanwhile struggle to recognise our own funny, half-formed but essentially kind boys in headlines about toxic masculinity, rape culture, and a Gen Z anti-feminist backlash. <\/p>\n What shocked her about the teenagers she interviewed, Whipman says, is how lonely they felt. \u201cEven the ones that had a lot of friends were missing that connection \u2013 that they couldn\u2019t say anything personal or vulnerable. Quite a few used the same expression which was \u2018you can never let your guard down.\u2019\u201d <\/p>\n The message boys absorb from babyhood, she concluded, is that manliness means being strong and dominant \u2013 leaving many feeling ashamed of not being strong enough. But now this kind of masculinity is understandably deemed threatening, leaving them confused. “They\u2019re still expected to be the boy who is masculine and makes the first move – girls expected that. But step just a smidge too far over the line and you\u2019re a creep. A lot of boys were just avoiding relationships and sex all together – like \u2018this is just too much, I\u2019d rather just watch porn on my own.\u2019\u201d<\/p>[\/et_pb_text][et_pb_text module_class=”custom-quote” _builder_version=”4.20.4″ _module_preset=”default” header_2_font=”Libre Bodoni|||on|||||” header_2_text_align=”center” header_2_text_color=”#333333″ header_2_font_size=”40px” header_2_line_height=”1.2em” hover_enabled=”0″ global_colors_info=”{}” theme_builder_area=”post_content” sticky_enabled=”0″] The root problem, she argues, is we\u2019re not teaching boys the fine social skills needed to read emotions and navigate equal relationships, or showing them how dismantling sexist stereotypes actually benefits them too.<\/p>\n Whippman picked her title before the #boymom hashtag went viral on Instagram and TikTok, but is struck by the way it often portrays sons as basically lovable dogs, boisterous and hyper. Of course they can\u2019t sit still, or emote! They\u2019re boys! It sounds comforting, says Whippman, given her boys often were constantly fighting. But it\u2019s also very reductive. \u201cIf anyone says \u2018girls can\u2019t do maths\u2019 or \u2018girls are naturally suited to caregiving\u2019 then your hackles go up,\u201d she says. \u201cWe limit boys before we even start.\u201d<\/p>\n Research shows parents spend more time reading and singing to girls, she says, and use more emotional language with them. Where girl-oriented stories and games focus on feelings and relationships, boys get superhero movies.\u201cWe feed them this story all the way through childhood which is \u2018you\u2019ve got to be tough, life is all about battles and fighting and winning and losing\u2019.\u201d Teenage hours spent video gaming with friends from their respective bedrooms, meanwhile, come at the expense of learning to interact face-to-face.<\/p>\n With her own sons, Whippman hasn\u2019t banned screen time but she rations it to make room for real-life socialising. She also consciously points out sexist stereotyping of boys in books and TV shows to her sons, and encourages talk about their feelings. For mothers whose teenagers are arguing that feminism has gone too far, she recommends not scolding or shutting them down but getting them to talk about why they feel that, before encouraging them to consider how badly women have historically been treated. Above all, she wants boys to see equality as liberating for them, not threatening. <\/p>\n \u201cMasculinity influencers have really tried to frame it as feminism taking away from boys – actually the feminist project benefits boys. The same system that oppresses women and puts us in a box, and keeps us in these rigid stereotypes and roles, does exactly the same for boys,\u201d she says. \u201cIf we mock boys or demonise them, then of course they\u2019re not going to buy into the idea.\u201d <\/p>\n She admits her sons occasionally \u2018roll their eyes\u2019 at her but hopes something sinks in. \u201cMy mum was a real Seventies second wave feminist and I used to hate it – \u2018Oh God, she\u2019s banning pink\u2019 – but actually now I\u2019m so grateful.\u201d Will all our sons one day say the same?<\/p>[\/et_pb_text][et_pb_divider color=”#111111″ divider_position=”center” divider_weight=”2px” module_class=”custom-divider” _builder_version=”4.20.4″ _module_preset=”default” custom_margin=”0px||0px||false|false” custom_padding=”0px||0px||false|false” global_colors_info=”{}” theme_builder_area=”post_content”][\/et_pb_divider][et_pb_text module_class=”credit-texts” _builder_version=”4.20.4″ _module_preset=”default” text_font=”|||on|||||” text_orientation=”center” custom_margin=”9px|||||” global_colors_info=”{}” theme_builder_area=”post_content”] Photo: Getty<\/b><\/p>[\/et_pb_text][\/et_pb_column][\/et_pb_row][\/et_pb_section]\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" \u201cMasculinity influencers have really tried to frame it as feminism taking away from boys”<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":7,"featured_media":3313,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"_et_pb_use_builder":"on","_et_pb_old_content":"","_et_gb_content_width":"","_lmt_disableupdate":"","_lmt_disable":"","footnotes":""},"categories":[8],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-3311","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-feature"],"acf":[],"modified_by":"kschwarz","_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/flatplanplus.io\/grazia\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3311","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/flatplanplus.io\/grazia\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/flatplanplus.io\/grazia\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/flatplanplus.io\/grazia\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/7"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/flatplanplus.io\/grazia\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=3311"}],"version-history":[{"count":4,"href":"https:\/\/flatplanplus.io\/grazia\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3311\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":3319,"href":"https:\/\/flatplanplus.io\/grazia\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3311\/revisions\/3319"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/flatplanplus.io\/grazia\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/3313"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/flatplanplus.io\/grazia\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=3311"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/flatplanplus.io\/grazia\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=3311"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/flatplanplus.io\/grazia\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=3311"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}
But unnervingly often, she got it. Another boy? Poor you! The sense there was something wrong with being male only deepened when, still nursing her newborn, she watched the MeToo movement erupt on social media, unleashing a torrent of pent-up female anger against toxic men. Though the feminist in her was thrilled, she wondered if her small sons would grow up feeling ashamed to be male, or guilty by association. <\/p>\n\u2018you\u2019ve got to be tough, life is all about battles and fighting and winning and losing\u2019<\/h2>[\/et_pb_text][et_pb_text _builder_version=”4.20.4″ _module_preset=”default” custom_padding=”|||0px||” hover_enabled=”0″ global_colors_info=”{}” theme_builder_area=”post_content” sticky_enabled=”0″]