Words by Beth Perryman<\/strong><\/p>[\/et_pb_text][et_pb_image alt=”Jennifer Aniston” title_text=”BAFTA Film Awards 2014 – London Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt arriving for the 2014 EE British Academy Film Awards (BAFTA” force_fullwidth=”on” _builder_version=”4.20.4″ _module_preset=”default” hover_enabled=”0″ global_colors_info=”{}” theme_builder_area=”post_content” src=”https:\/\/flatplan-plus-content.s3.eu-west-1.amazonaws.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/6\/2024\/07\/Screenshot-2024-07-22-at-16.22.13.png” sticky_enabled=”0″][\/et_pb_image][et_pb_text _builder_version=”4.20.4″ _module_preset=”default” min_height=”107px” custom_padding=”||0px|||” hover_enabled=”0″ global_colors_info=”{}” theme_builder_area=”post_content” sticky_enabled=”0″] As far as I know, I\u2019ve never had an enemy, not once in my 35 years. Although I\u2019m sure I can be annoying at times, or perhaps I\u2019m not everyone\u2019s cup of tea, for the most part, people tend to think of me as a likeable person. I\u2019m kind and empathetic, can have a laugh, and generally am able to get along with everyone I meet.<\/p>\n But there is this mum in my son\u2019s year 3 class, let\u2019s call her Janet, who I\u2019ve known since the kids were in nursery together. Despite my efforts, she doesn\u2019t like me. As my son started to become friends with her daughter last year, I wanted to make an effort to speak with her a bit more at school pick up times and class birthday parties. \u2018It shouldn\u2019t be hard,\u2019 I thought. \u2018I\u2019m friends with people she\u2019s friends with. I know her sister quite well. It\u2019ll be straightforward and easy.\u2019<\/p>\n I tried positioning myself in places where we would be able to have chit chat, standing near the mum group she\u2019s a part of while waiting at the school gates. But rather than acknowledging my presence, she often pretended I wasn\u2019t there. She\u2019d make eye contact with every other person in the circle of mums, but not with me. She responded to questions posed to her by other mums at length, but gave short, succinct, \u2018how-dare-you-speak-to-me\u2019 answers to mine. \u2018No worries,\u2019 I said to myself. \u2018You\u2019ll just have to try harder. You\u2019ll win her over eventually.\u2019<\/p>\n A mum-group in the class started planning a dinner out for some of the mums in the class. I was invited, as was Janet. Although hesitant, nervous I\u2019d have nowhere to escape if it didn\u2019t go well, I agreed to go along for dinner. When I arrived, there was already a group sitting around the table with their drinks. I sat close enough to be heard by Janet, but far enough away that I could talk to other people besides her. She didn\u2019t speak to me once that night. If I participated in the whole-table conversation, Janet looked elsewhere, careful not to give me any attention as I spoke. When another friend said she had to get home early for work the next day, I quickly used her exit as an excuse to leave. I was reeling. If she had a reputation for being this rude, I\u2019d just write her off. But the thing is, people love her. They think she\u2019s hilarious and kind, they plan play dates and coffees out with her, no one has a bad word to say about her.<\/p>\n So what does it say about me that I care as much as I do? When I spoke to Georgina Sturmer, an MBACP registered counsellor, she told me my response was perfectly normal. When someone clearly doesn\u2019t like us, or that they treat us differently from other people, Sturmer said it can feel really painful, especially for women. \u2018We have this cultural expectation, particularly as women, that it is important to be likeable and loveable,\u2019 she said. \u2018If someone doesn\u2019t reciprocate that affection towards us, we internalise it and decide something is wrong with us. It can have a real impact on our sense of self-esteem and worth.\u2019<\/p>[\/et_pb_text][et_pb_text module_class=”custom-quote” _builder_version=”4.20.4″ _module_preset=”default” header_2_font=”Libre Bodoni|||on|||||” header_2_text_align=”center” header_2_text_color=”#333333″ header_2_font_size=”40px” header_2_line_height=”1.2em” global_colors_info=”{}” theme_builder_area=”post_content” custom_padding=”2px|||||”] Helen Snape, author of Drop the Fake Smile: the Recovering People-Pleaser’s Guide to Self-Love, Boundaries and Healthy Relationships, told me people like myself who have a \u2018deep-rooted urge to please others\u2019 might have have had an upbringing where love and attention were conditional upon them behaving a certain way and so it can feel like a threat to their survival when someone disapproves of them. \u2018I hear from lots of women who get incredibly upset by others\u2019 disapproval,\u2019 she told me. \u2018Most of my clients are women.\u2019<\/p>\n One friend, who I\u2019ll call Olivia, spent her early 20s and 30s worrying she was \u2018too much\u2019 for people, which made them in turn not like her. Another friend told me her relationship with her sister-in-law is her \u2018biggest source of anxiety\u2019. \u2018I feel like nothing I ever do will ever make her genuinely like me,\u2019 she said. \u2018It\u2019s exhausting.\u2019<\/p>\n So I know, it\u2019s not just me who hates feeling disliked. There have been nights I\u2019ve dreamt about Janet, her hating me. I\u2019ve considered talking to her, but I am genuinely petrified of her, a feeling I have never felt about any other person. The thought of bringing it up makes my stomach turn upside down.<\/p>\n Sturmer said that the feeling of not being liked can impact our mental and physical health, and our behaviours, so it isn\u2019t a feeling that needs to be ignored, but worked through. Sturmer adds that it might be worth muting or unfollowing them on social media too. \u2018Social media can be such an unhelpful backdrop to these feelings,\u2019 she continued. \u2018Because we easily fall down a rabbit role looking at the person online. There\u2019s no positive outcome in doing this.\u2019 She also stresses that it is vital to remember that there is no way everyone in the world is going to like us. \u2018That idea isn\u2019t very rational,\u2019 Sturmer says. \u2018The kindest thing we can do for ourselves is to try and find ways to worry less about whether or not people like us, and think more about whether we like ourselves, and to nurture the friendships that are rewarding.\u2019<\/p>\n My friend Olivia said as she gets older – she\u2019s now 39 – she doesn\u2019t care as much if people don\u2019t like her. \u2018I like myself, I care about my friends, I care about the world around me, I try to do good work,\u2019 she said. \u2018If people don\u2019t like me for the same reasons that I like myself, then that\u2019s really their loss.\u2019<\/p>\n Three months ago, when I was going through a difficult stage of PMDD [premenstrual dysphoric disorder] that had left me totally deflated, I decided I simply couldn\u2019t carry on contemplating Janet\u2019s animosity towards me. I didn\u2019t have the energy for it. So I made a decision. I would stop trying to get her to like me. Three months after my boundary setting decision, she still doesn\u2019t like me, and I don\u2019t think she ever will. But it genuinely doesn\u2019t bother me anymore. I\u2019m done trying to be her friend. Because the thing is, I know and like myself, and know plenty of people who do want to be my friend.<\/p>\n I’ve learned there\u2019s no point wasting my precious time and mental energy on someone who, for a reason unbeknownst to me, seems to hate me. Life is just too short.<\/p>[\/et_pb_text][et_pb_divider color=”#111111″ divider_position=”center” divider_weight=”2px” module_class=”custom-divider” _builder_version=”4.20.4″ _module_preset=”default” custom_margin=”0px||0px||false|false” custom_padding=”0px||0px||false|false” global_colors_info=”{}” theme_builder_area=”post_content”][\/et_pb_divider][\/et_pb_column][\/et_pb_row][\/et_pb_section]\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" I found out someone hates me for no reason – it consumed meWords by Beth PerrymanAs far as I know, I\u2019ve never had an enemy, not once in my 35 years. Although I\u2019m sure I can be annoying at times, or perhaps I\u2019m not everyone\u2019s cup of tea, for the most part, people tend to […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":11,"featured_media":3587,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"_et_pb_use_builder":"on","_et_pb_old_content":"","_et_gb_content_width":"","_lmt_disableupdate":"","_lmt_disable":"","footnotes":""},"categories":[8],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-3586","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-feature"],"acf":[],"modified_by":"guestgrazia","_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/flatplanplus.io\/grazia\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3586","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/flatplanplus.io\/grazia\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/flatplanplus.io\/grazia\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/flatplanplus.io\/grazia\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/11"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/flatplanplus.io\/grazia\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=3586"}],"version-history":[{"count":5,"href":"https:\/\/flatplanplus.io\/grazia\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3586\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":3697,"href":"https:\/\/flatplanplus.io\/grazia\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3586\/revisions\/3697"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/flatplanplus.io\/grazia\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/3587"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/flatplanplus.io\/grazia\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=3586"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/flatplanplus.io\/grazia\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=3586"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/flatplanplus.io\/grazia\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=3586"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}
\u2018We are hardwired to be social creatures, the sense that we need affection, attention, and security from the people around us,\u2019 Sturmer told me. \u2018There is a natural instinct in all of us to get a sense of whether or not people like and approve of us. Even as babies, we are looking for our caregiver\u2019s sense of approval. This continues to follow us throughout our lives.\u2019<\/p>\n\u2018We have this cultural expectation, particularly as women, that it is important to be likeable and loveable\u2019<\/h2>[\/et_pb_text][et_pb_text _builder_version=”4.20.4″ _module_preset=”default” custom_padding=”|||0px||” hover_enabled=”0″ global_colors_info=”{}” theme_builder_area=”post_content” sticky_enabled=”0″]
She said we first need to notice when we are thinking about it, what our physical reactions are, and do or think the opposite. If your breath gets shallow when the person is around, focus on deep breathing. Speak words of affirmation to yourself when you notice your thoughts swirling about being disliked. \u2018I am likeable, have plenty of friends, and don\u2019t need this person in my life,\u2019 Sturmer said, suggesting affirmations to speak over ourselves.<\/p>\n