[et_pb_section fb_built=”1″ _builder_version=”4.20.4″ _module_preset=”default” global_colors_info=”{}” theme_builder_area=”post_content”][et_pb_row _builder_version=”4.20.4″ _module_preset=”default” global_colors_info=”{}” theme_builder_area=”post_content”][et_pb_column type=”4_4″ _builder_version=”4.20.4″ _module_preset=”default” global_colors_info=”{}” theme_builder_area=”post_content”][et_pb_text module_class=”custom-post-title” _builder_version=”4.20.4″ _module_preset=”default” header_font=”Black Han Sans|700||on|||||” header_text_align=”center” header_font_size=”46px” header_letter_spacing=”4px” custom_margin=”25px||5px||false|false” custom_padding=”0px||0px||true|false” hover_enabled=”0″ global_colors_info=”{}” theme_builder_area=”post_content” sticky_enabled=”0″]<\/p>\n
[\/et_pb_text][et_pb_text module_class=”credit-name” _builder_version=”4.20.4″ _module_preset=”default” text_font=”Black Han Sans|||on|||||” text_text_color=”#000000″ header_4_font=”|||on|||||” header_4_text_align=”center” text_orientation=”center” custom_margin=”||0px||false|false” hover_enabled=”0″ global_colors_info=”{}” theme_builder_area=”post_content” sticky_enabled=”0″]<\/p>\n
Words by Libby Layton [\/et_pb_text][et_pb_image src=”https:\/\/flatplan-plus-content.s3.eu-west-1.amazonaws.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/6\/2024\/08\/imago0722080734h.jpg” alt=”Jennifer Aniston” title_text=”imago0722080734h” force_fullwidth=”on” _builder_version=”4.20.4″ _module_preset=”default” hover_enabled=”0″ global_colors_info=”{}” theme_builder_area=”post_content” sticky_enabled=”0″][\/et_pb_image][et_pb_text _builder_version=”4.20.4″ _module_preset=”default” min_height=”107px” custom_padding=”||0px|||” hover_enabled=”0″ global_colors_info=”{}” theme_builder_area=”post_content” sticky_enabled=”0″]<\/p>\n As the UK\u2019s first ever \u2018kink shrink\u2019, it\u2019s fair to say I\u2019ve seen it all. Nothing really shocks me anymore. It\u2019s not an official title, of course, but one I\u2019ve come to be known by.<\/p>\n After retiring as a nurse practitioner due to disability, I spent over a decade working as a Samaritan and that is where I realised my passion was helping people in need of mental health support. I qualified as a relationship counsellor, which is when I heard that lots of people in the kink community are wary about seeking therapy, because they fear being judged or misunderstood. I added \u2018Kink welcoming\u2019 to my profile listing on counselling websites, and I got a sudden influx of clients. Turns out, there\u2019s a huge demand for what I\u2019m offering.<\/p>\n So, what does a kink shrink do exactly? I provide focused and welcoming support for members of the kink community. So many people in unhealthy, unsafe, or unhappy dynamics find themselves afraid or unwilling to seek help over fear of being judged or misunderstood. I want to change that. The job isn\u2019t about telling people how to have sex \u2013 it\u2019s helping people to have the relationships they want so they can get the sex they want in a more life-affirming, positive, satisfactory way. <\/p>\n I\u2019m not part of the kink community. I\u2019d never want to be seen as someone coming in from the outside and telling them they\u2019re doing it wrong. I just want people to have the love they want in the way they want it, with no judgement. I worked as a nurse through the AIDS crisis in the 80s, and I\u2019ve had enough of seeing people experience shame.<\/p>\n My role is so important now that kink is entering the mainstream. I have a fairly even split of male and female clients, and couples too. I see people until late in the evening in my cosy therapy room, and I have clients from all over the world who I speak to on Zoom. <\/p>\n It\u2019s important to remember that I only see people who things aren\u2019t working for. There\u2019s a vast community of people out there who are completely happy with their kink dynamic and are doing their own thing in a happy, respectful, way. Sadly, a small part of the community can be prey to abusers who go above and beyond to push people\u2019s boundaries. When I deal with cases of abuse, it\u2019s often with younger women who are less experienced \u2013 someone may have offered to teach them about BDSM, for instance, and ignored their boundaries. Often, the psychological impact of this is far worse than the physical.<\/p>\n [\/et_pb_text][et_pb_text module_class=”custom-quote” _builder_version=”4.20.4″ _module_preset=”default” header_2_font=”Libre Bodoni|||on|||||” header_2_text_align=”center” header_2_text_color=”#333333″ header_2_font_size=”40px” header_2_line_height=”1.2em” hover_enabled=”0″ global_colors_info=”{}” theme_builder_area=”post_content” sticky_enabled=”0″]<\/p>\n [\/et_pb_text][et_pb_text _builder_version=”4.20.4″ _module_preset=”default” custom_padding=”|||0px||” hover_enabled=”0″ global_colors_info=”{}” theme_builder_area=”post_content” sticky_enabled=”0″]<\/p>\n For problems related to masturbation, I see a fairly even split of men and women. It always surprises me how much shame people feel for things that are part of a healthy, human sexuality, like masturbating with your partner\u2019s underwear. Masturbation is healthy, and if a person feels closer to their partner by using their underwear, I try to help them to deal with their negative feelings.<\/p>\n I have known people build up an incredible amount of shame and asking me to help them stop. I try to navigate myself into that person\u2019s frame of reference, to understand where the shame is coming from. Maybe someone told them it wasn\u2019t ok once, or they picked up messages when they were children that told them that their bodies were dirty and taboo. <\/p>\n However, I need to have strong boundaries myself. When I\u2019m doing an assessment with a man about masturbation, for example, I say \u2018we\u2019ll talk about it, because it\u2019s causing you distress. But if you\u2019re talking about it to get off, then I\u2019m not doing that.\u2019 Although the job can take its toll, we\u2019re very well trained to care for ourselves. We have monthly sessions with an experienced therapist who is trained in supervision. They\u2019re always on the other end of the phone if we\u2019re upset about something, and we never have to carry anything on our own.<\/p>\n I also see a lot of couples with misaligned desires. One partner may be into something, and the other isn\u2019t. My job is to help the two communicate their needs and wants as individuals, to see if they can come to some sort of compromise or reframing of the issue. Sometimes they can\u2019t. The saddest duty you have then is to help them separate in the least painful way possible. There\u2019s no bad person, no one\u2019s had an affair, it\u2019s just a build-up of problems.<\/p>\n I tend to see kink trends coming in waves. One of the things I see the most is BDSM, which seems to be much more mainstream now. After care is also so important in BDSM. After having sex, the Sub can experience something called a sub drop, which is an intense experience which can be caused by using up all their happy chemicals. They can get quite low and depressed afterwards. A good Dom will check to make sure they\u2019re feeling ok and show them some love and tenderness. What people often forget is the Dom needs love too. I\u2019ve seen firsthand how a lack of aftercare can be really damaging. <\/p>\n Another thing I\u2019m seeing a lot of now is trends that involve body fluids, such as \u2018golden showers\u2019 \u2013 when someone urinates on their partner. I\u2019m also seeing a lot of cuckolding \u2013 a kink when someone gets turned on by watching their partner sharing sexual acts with someone else. Kink partners will usually have a list of things people can veto in and out when they make their contracted agreement, where they can rule out things that are a little more extreme.<\/p>\n When it comes to navigating a kink dynamic safely, my top tip is to communicate, communicate, communicate. One way to do this is to use a traffic light system \u2013 green is fine, amber is this is getting close to what I can tolerate and red is stop it now. Always have a safe word you wouldn\u2019t normally say, remember it, and deploy it when you need to. Also, always do your research. There\u2019s plenty of stuff online but look at more than one source. Reddit has quite a few BDSM subreddits that are run by the community and offer lots of sound advice.<\/p>\n I don\u2019t talk about my job much outside work. When somebody says they\u2019re a sex therapist, they\u2019re often met with responses such as \u2018do you bring your work home with you?\u2019 or \u2018do you do practical sessions?\u2019 It can be exhausting having to hear all of that.<\/p>\n But I\u2019m immensely proud of what I do. I\u2019m taught something new from every client and each one gets me to see the world differently. That isn\u2019t something I take for granted.<\/p>\n [\/et_pb_text][et_pb_divider color=”#111111″ divider_position=”center” divider_weight=”2px” module_class=”custom-divider” _builder_version=”4.20.4″ _module_preset=”default” custom_margin=”0px||0px||false|false” custom_padding=”0px||0px||false|false” global_colors_info=”{}” theme_builder_area=”post_content”][\/et_pb_divider][et_pb_text module_class=”credit-texts” _builder_version=”4.20.4″ _module_preset=”default” text_font=”|||on|||||” text_orientation=”center” global_colors_info=”{}” theme_builder_area=”post_content”]<\/p>\n IMAGE: IMAGO<\/p>\n [\/et_pb_text][\/et_pb_column][\/et_pb_row][\/et_pb_section]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" I tend to see kink trends coming in waves. One of the things I see the most is BDSM<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":7,"featured_media":3976,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"_et_pb_use_builder":"on","_et_pb_old_content":"","_et_gb_content_width":"","_lmt_disableupdate":"","_lmt_disable":"","footnotes":""},"categories":[8],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-3975","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-feature"],"acf":[],"modified_by":"kschwarz","_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/flatplanplus.io\/grazia\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3975","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/flatplanplus.io\/grazia\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/flatplanplus.io\/grazia\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/flatplanplus.io\/grazia\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/7"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/flatplanplus.io\/grazia\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=3975"}],"version-history":[{"count":3,"href":"https:\/\/flatplanplus.io\/grazia\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3975\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":3981,"href":"https:\/\/flatplanplus.io\/grazia\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3975\/revisions\/3981"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/flatplanplus.io\/grazia\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/3976"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/flatplanplus.io\/grazia\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=3975"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/flatplanplus.io\/grazia\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=3975"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/flatplanplus.io\/grazia\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=3975"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}
<\/strong><\/p>\n‘Another thing I\u2019m seeing a lot of now is trends that involve body fluids, such as \u2018golden showers\u2019’<\/h2>\n