‘I love my husband even more for allowing me to explore my queerness’<\/p>[\/et_pb_text][et_pb_text module_class=”credit-name” _builder_version=”4.20.4″ _module_preset=”default” text_font=”Black Han Sans|||on|||||” text_text_color=”#000000″ header_4_font=”|||on|||||” header_4_text_align=”center” text_orientation=”center” custom_margin=”||0px||false|false” hover_enabled=”0″ global_colors_info=”{}” theme_builder_area=”post_content” sticky_enabled=”0″]
Words by Anonymous<\/strong><\/p>[\/et_pb_text][et_pb_image src=”https:\/\/flatplan-plus-content.s3.eu-west-1.amazonaws.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/6\/2025\/01\/imago113273832-scaled.jpg” alt=”Women kissing” title_text=”Young women kissing model release HEX15006_TP_4643 Copyright: xHEX\/HellxGatexProductionsx” force_fullwidth=”on” _builder_version=”4.20.4″ _module_preset=”default” hover_enabled=”0″ global_colors_info=”{}” theme_builder_area=”post_content” sticky_enabled=”0″][\/et_pb_image][et_pb_text _builder_version=”4.20.4″ _module_preset=”default” hover_enabled=”0″ global_colors_info=”{}” theme_builder_area=”post_content” sticky_enabled=”0″] At the door, I\u2019m handed a silver key on a black ribbon. All first timers are given one; it signifies our novice status. I tie it to the side of my leather waistcoat and step into the bar. It\u2019s very, very dark. Black semi-circular sofas wrap intimately around tables. I take a seat and wait for my life to change.<\/p>\n I\u2019m 36 and married to a man but I\u2019m not straight. I\u2019ve always known I like women \u2013 my earliest crushes were on girls as well as boys \u2013 but after a brief foray or two in my early twenties, I met a long-term male partner and shut my desire for women firmly away. This was how I lived for a long time, believing that if I was sleeping with a man, I was heterosexual. Then I learned about \u2018comphet\u2019.<\/p>\n In 1981, the poet and essayist Adrienne Rich published an article suggesting that women are prevented from recognising their same-sex attraction because of societal bias towards heterosexuality. She called this \u2018compulsory heterosexuality\u2019, often known as \u2018comphet\u2019 for short. I first saw the term on someone\u2019s Instagram stories. I googled it and, as I read more, I began to question my identity. What about that first crush which was not on a boy, but a girl named Claire? What about the deep envy I\u2019d felt towards the two girls at my school whom people whispered were \u2018doing it\u2019?<\/p>\n Discovering \u2018comphet\u2019 was a revelation. I realised I\u2019d been understanding sexuality all wrong. Rather than being defined by our current partners, it\u2019s like any taste; independent of events. If I like the colour green, I don\u2019t dislike it because today I\u2019m wearing blue. And if I like women, I don\u2019t dislike them if I\u2019m sleeping with men. Permission suddenly appeared in front of me. Except for one unignorable fact: I\u2019m married.<\/p>[\/et_pb_text][et_pb_text module_class=”custom-quote” _builder_version=”4.20.4″ _module_preset=”default” header_2_font=”Libre Bodoni|||on|||||” header_2_text_align=”center” header_2_text_color=”#333333″ header_2_font_size=”40px” header_2_line_height=”1.2em” global_colors_info=”{}” theme_builder_area=”post_content”] Thank god for Skirt Club, a private members\u2019 network for bisexual women who want a safe space to explore and, well, have sex with each other. It was founded in 2013 with only 20 women and now boasts 24,000 members in over 36 cities around the world. Like me, an estimated 70% of its members are in relationships with men and many are new to sleeping with women. This was a comfort \u2013 there\u2019d be no need to explain that it couldn\u2019t go further than a physical dalliance nor that I was a novice.<\/p>\n I raised it with my husband tentatively one evening, coming out to him in stuttering phrases. We\u2019ve always agreed that if we want to be together for life, we must allow each other to change and grow. Even so, I was nervous about his reaction. He listened compassionately and, over the following months, we discussed it intermittently \u2013 what I wanted and why, how to devise boundaries that meant I could explore my sexuality while keeping our relationship safe. We decided that I\u2019d pursue sexual interactions with women outside the city we live in and outside our friendship groups. While we don\u2019t have children and don\u2019t intend to, I don\u2019t see the difference it would make \u2013 kids don\u2019t know everything their parents do away from home. Ironically, being married to a man might be why I\u2019ve finally been able to come out: I get to meet societal norms with him while exploring my queerness. It\u2019s a privilege of being late blooming bisexual, though I regret the years and experiences lost to comphet too.<\/p>\n The Skirt Club event is held in a burlesque bar in London, hired out for the night. I feel horribly nervous for the first couple of hours and sit watching the skits with other women, none of us chatting much, perhaps wary of \u2018friend zoning\u2019 each other. When the show ends, we migrate to the dancefloor and mingle tipsily. The drinks flow and at last we\u2019re drunk enough for the real fun to begin. Someone strips off. And then another person. And another. It\u2019s joyful and weird and liberatory.<\/p>\n I remove my trousers and waistcoat and dance in nothing but heels and a transparent lacy teddy, joined by about fifty other women doing the same. I notice movement on the sofas that circle the dancefloor. Women are finally doing what they came here for. A blonde with her dress around her waist has her nipples kissed slowly by a curvaceous brunette. Feet stick out from beneath a table, a head moving rhythmically, and in the far corner, someone lies on her back while three others attend to her. I\u2019m amazed by the debauchery and desperate to join in. At last, my eyes connect with another woman\u2019s. She has the face of an actress but I can\u2019t think who. We glide towards each other, dancing and smiling.<\/p>\n \u2018Perhaps we should get a sofa?\u2019 she says. \u2018That would be good,\u2019 I reply, and I walk with her, feigning confidence. We kiss and it\u2019s great. And then all the other things happen, and they\u2019re good too. I\u2019m amazed by her breasts, so warm and heavy and pliable. We continue onwards, time blurring as we discover and pleasure each other, the thrill at what\u2019s happening careering through my mind. We know nothing about each other but our names. When the night ends, we swap social media handles and I jump in a cab. I text my husband: I\u2019m safe, I tell him. It was fun. I realise I love him more than ever because he\u2019s given me this moment. I sit back, watching the city pass, smiling at my new, definitely bisexual, self.<\/p>[\/et_pb_text][et_pb_text module_class=”credit-texts” _builder_version=”4.20.4″ _module_preset=”default” text_font=”|||on|||||” text_orientation=”center” global_colors_info=”{}” theme_builder_area=”post_content”] Photo: <\/b>Imago<\/p>[\/et_pb_text][\/et_pb_column][\/et_pb_row][\/et_pb_section]\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" ‘I may be married to a man, but it doesn’t mean I’m not still attracted to women’<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":11,"featured_media":6106,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"_et_pb_use_builder":"on","_et_pb_old_content":"","_et_gb_content_width":"","_lmt_disableupdate":"","_lmt_disable":"","footnotes":""},"categories":[8],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-6103","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-feature"],"acf":[],"modified_by":"guestgrazia","_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/flatplanplus.io\/grazia\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/6103","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/flatplanplus.io\/grazia\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/flatplanplus.io\/grazia\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/flatplanplus.io\/grazia\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/11"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/flatplanplus.io\/grazia\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=6103"}],"version-history":[{"count":6,"href":"https:\/\/flatplanplus.io\/grazia\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/6103\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":6190,"href":"https:\/\/flatplanplus.io\/grazia\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/6103\/revisions\/6190"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/flatplanplus.io\/grazia\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/6106"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/flatplanplus.io\/grazia\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=6103"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/flatplanplus.io\/grazia\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=6103"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/flatplanplus.io\/grazia\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=6103"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}‘70% OF MEMBERS ARE SKIRT CLUB ARE IN RELATIONSHIPS WITH MEN’<\/span><\/h2>[\/et_pb_text][et_pb_text _builder_version=”4.20.4″ _module_preset=”default” hover_enabled=”0″ global_colors_info=”{}” theme_builder_area=”post_content” sticky_enabled=”0″]