{"id":22288,"date":"2026-10-04T10:00:00","date_gmt":"2026-10-04T10:00:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/flatplanplus.io\/graziav2\/?p=22288"},"modified":"2026-10-02T10:01:10","modified_gmt":"2026-10-02T10:01:10","slug":"this-is-the-insidious-trend-killing-intimacy-in-relationships-millions-are-doing-it-without-realising","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/flatplanplus.io\/graziav2\/2026\/10\/04\/this-is-the-insidious-trend-killing-intimacy-in-relationships-millions-are-doing-it-without-realising\/","title":{"rendered":"This is the insidious trend killing intimacy in relationships – millions are doing it without realising"},"content":{"rendered":"\n
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Are you being \u2018resource-farmed\u2019 in your relationship?<\/h1>\n\n\n\n
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The term might be new to you \u2013 but the experience is alarmingly common. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

WORDS LUCY KEITLEY<\/h6>\n\n\n\n
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We\u2019ve all been there. You\u2019ve had a long, exhausting day at work, and want nothing more than to air all your stresses to your partner when you get home. But when you do see them, they\u2019ve also had a nightmare of a day, and suddenly you\u2019re taking on all their anxieties instead. You keep quiet and listen, and your needs go by the wayside.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

This isn\u2019t inherently wrong \u2013 a natural part of being in a relationship is an ebb and flow of give and take. It\u2019s all about compromise, sometimes you do have to prioritise your partner\u2019s emotions over yours. However, when this is your daily reality, it represents something a lot more insidious. Enter, \u2018resource farming\u2019.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

It\u2019s a modern term for a very recognisable issue. \u2018Resource farming describes one partner drawing on the other’s time and emotional support or other resources with little coming back for themselves,\u2019 describes Giulia Davis, a couples therapist and founder of Mycelia Therapy in San Francisco. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

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Whether we like to admit it or not, it\u2019s a common dynamic. A study of 1.8 million daters published in scientific journal Human Nature found that people with high \u2018resource\u2019 scores, referring to factors like education and income, receive more romantic interest. For a resource farmer, these are the profiles they\u2019ll seek out. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Resource farming is \u2018more about extraction\u2019 than typical relationships where at times you might give more than you take, says Davis. \u2018It has no end date, and the receiving partner might never name it,\u2019 she explains. \u2018If the giving partner asks for something back, they might get irritation or a change of subject. Over time, the uneven setup becomes the baseline.\u2019<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Beyond emotional exchanges, resource farming can show up in many other ways. Do you notice that you\u2019re covering all the shared costs while your partner saves money? Maybe you\u2019re very generous with gifts or front fancy dinners, but your other half never returns the favour. Of course, this doesn\u2019t necessarily have to be an issue if that\u2019s your agreed dynamic, but if it isn\u2019t, this could be resource farming. \u2018This is only a red flag if it falls outside their financial agreement, the arrangement feels unfair, and one partner feels used,\u2019 adds Davis.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Another warning sign could be that your needs aren\u2019t being met. \u2018One partner’s needs are treated as a problem, and the other\u2019s are treated as urgent,\u2019 says Davis. \u2018There can also be a pattern of warmth that follows need. One partner becomes warm when they want something and cools once they have it.\u2019<\/p>\n\n\n\n

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‘One partner’s needs are treated as a problem, and the other\u2019s are treated as urgent’<\/p><\/blockquote><\/figure>\n\n\n\n

If you find yourself in a relationship like this, the emotional impact is major. Yes, you might have some satisfaction knowing that you\u2019re needed by your partner but you\u2019ll fundamentally feel unseen, used, and resentful. \u2018You might rehearse how to ask for something small because you’re worried about how it will land, says Davis. \u2018Or start noticing that you feel relieved when your partner is away. And if they get affectionate mostly when they want something, it can become confusing to know where you really stand.\u2019<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Davis has noticed that people in non-monogamous relationships are more likely to recognise resource farming. \u2018In my work with non-monogamous partners, we often spend an entire sessions crafting shared agreements about time, attention, and energy,\u2019 she explains. \u2018That practice can make it easier to notice when one person takes much more than they give.\u2019<\/p>\n\n\n\n

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She continues, \u2018In many monogamous relationships I see, those expectations are less often discussed clearly. Fewer agreements are put in writing and an imbalance can continue for years before someone finds the words for what feels unfair.\u2019 <\/p>\n\n\n\n

If this is sounding all too familiar and you fear you\u2019re being resource-farmed, there are ways you can the address the issue \u2013 and it\u2019s doesn\u2019t necessarily have to signal the end of your relationship. \u2018Name the feeling out loud,\u2019 advises Davis, for example, that might be \u2018I\u2019m shrinking in this relationship\u2019. This helps \u2018the brain to register the message at a more conscious level\u2019. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Next up, ask yourself some questions and really determine how you\u2019re actually feeling. \u2018What do you need? What are you receiving, and what are you giving? Keep track for a month and see what you notice,\u2019 says Davis. \u2018This is for your own clarity, not a score card exercise. If you feel taken advantage of, take that feeling seriously and give yourself room to understand where it’s coming from.\u2019 <\/p>\n\n\n\n

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Once you\u2019re clear on where you stand, you can broach the subject with your partner. \u2018Be specific about what’s happening and what you need to change. You might say, \u201cI’ve noticed we spend a lot of time talking about what you’re going through, but when I need support, there’s very little room for me. I need us to make room for that, too.\u201d\u2019 <\/p>\n\n\n\n

After you\u2019ve opened up about the issue, it\u2019s time to sit back and see how your partner responds. \u2018If you keep having the same conversation and nothing changes, or every attempt turns into an argument, that’s a good time to consider couples therapy, provided you both feel safe speaking openly and are willing to work on it.\u2019<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Remember you can always get individual support too. If you feel the relationship really isn\u2019t serving you anymore, and it\u2019s all take, take, take, it also might be time to call it quits. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

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Photo: GETTY<\/strong><\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

It has a devastating impact<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":11,"featured_media":22292,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"_lmt_disableupdate":"","_lmt_disable":"","footnotes":""},"categories":[6],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-22288","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-feature"],"acf":{"article_authors":"","send_as_draft":false,"send_as_paid":true,"send_as_featured":true},"modified_by":"guestgrazia","_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/flatplanplus.io\/graziav2\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/22288","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/flatplanplus.io\/graziav2\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/flatplanplus.io\/graziav2\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/flatplanplus.io\/graziav2\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/11"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/flatplanplus.io\/graziav2\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=22288"}],"version-history":[{"count":9,"href":"https:\/\/flatplanplus.io\/graziav2\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/22288\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":22313,"href":"https:\/\/flatplanplus.io\/graziav2\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/22288\/revisions\/22313"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/flatplanplus.io\/graziav2\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/22292"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/flatplanplus.io\/graziav2\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=22288"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/flatplanplus.io\/graziav2\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=22288"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/flatplanplus.io\/graziav2\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=22288"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}