{"id":390,"date":"2026-08-10T20:26:02","date_gmt":"2026-08-10T20:26:02","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/flatplanplus.io\/slate\/?p=390"},"modified":"2026-08-10T20:26:03","modified_gmt":"2026-08-10T20:26:03","slug":"the-doctor-revealed-why-we-werent-getting-pregnant-i-feel-like-a-complete-idiot","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/flatplanplus.io\/slate\/2026\/08\/10\/the-doctor-revealed-why-we-werent-getting-pregnant-i-feel-like-a-complete-idiot\/","title":{"rendered":"The Doctor Revealed Why We Weren\u2019t Getting Pregnant. I Feel Like a Complete Idiot."},"content":{"rendered":"\n
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Photo illustration by Slate. Photo by Prostock-Studio\/iStock\/Getty Images Plus.<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n\n\n\n

How to Do It<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The Doctor Revealed Why We Weren\u2019t Getting Pregnant. I Feel Like a Complete Idiot.<\/h1>\n\n\n\n

Those were the longest minutes of my life.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

By Jessica Stoya<\/p>\n\n\n\n

AUG 10, 2026 | 5:00 PM EST<\/p><\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n\n\n\n

Enjoy this article from our archive.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Dear How to Do It, <\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

I\u2019m a 30-year-old guy, and I\u2019ve been married to my wife for a little over four years. We\u2019ve been trying for a baby and went almost a year with no luck. We went to a fertility clinic to see what was wrong, and well, that\u2019s when the problems started.<\/p>\n\n\n

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We\u2019re not from the U.S., and sex education in our country was pretty basic. What I got drilled into my head, over and over, was, \u201cAlways wear a condom or you\u2019ll catch horrible diseases.\u201d I was a good kid who didn\u2019t want trouble, so I always wore a condom. In what was probably only a few minutes but some of the longest of my life, the doctor at the clinic explained how condoms actually function and that we\u2019d been failing to get my wife pregnant because I was wearing a condom while we did it. The solution was simple: Stop wearing condoms when having sex. I\u2019ve never felt like more of an idiot than when walking out of that office.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The problem is that I\u2019m now getting erectile dysfunction when we try to have sex. I can sometimes get it up for a minute or so, but then it wilts back down. I don\u2019t know if it\u2019s the feel without a condom being different or just tending to think about my massive embarrassment at the doctor\u2019s office, but I\u2019m not performing when I try to have sex without a condom. I\u2019m sure it\u2019s psychosomatic, as I perform fine if I am wearing a rubber. How do I break this mental block?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2014Not Rising to the Occasion<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Dear Not Rising,<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Since you can get an erection, suspect it\u2019s psychosomatic, and describe the situation as a mental block, I think this is an occasion where erectile dysfunction medications may be useful. ED medications only work if there\u2019s desire<\/a>\u2014which it sounds like you have\u2014and they then affect blood flow in ways that support maintaining the erection. Whether you talk to your doctor first or go through one of many online platforms is up to you.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Since this whole situation started because of a lack of sexual education, I\u2019d like to recommend the free website Scarleteen<\/a> and Erika Moen and Matthew Nolan\u2019s book Drawn to Sex: The Basics<\/em><\/a>.<\/em> The more you know, the better off you\u2019ll be as you navigate this situation.<\/p>\n\n\n

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Dear How to Do It, <\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

A while ago, I developed a lot of ingrown hairs from shaving my pubic hair. Dry brushing helped a bit, but then I got impatient and went overboard with tweezers. Honestly, it\u2019s a bit addictive, even though I know I shouldn\u2019t pick at my skin. Now I have a ton of small scars in addition to all the ingrown hair.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Is there anything other than dry brushing I can do to get rid of ingrown hairs? I\u2019ve previously tried a chemical exfoliant, but it didn\u2019t really do much. How should I use a dry brush to get the best results? Is there anything I can use to reduce the redness\/irritation? I have a few tiny bumps with what looks like a trapped hair follicle inside. I\u2019m assuming these are infected ingrown hairs. Would I need to go to a doctor, or is there a way to treat it at home? Ultimately, I am giving up on shaving forever because this has been a dermatological nightmare. Would other forms of hair removal like waxing be safer for me?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2014Hedgehog Vibes (Prickly And Easily Embarrassed)<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Dear Hedgehog,<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Tweezers are, in fact, addictive. I\u2019ve been there. You\u2019ve been there. And, as adult entertainment industry colleague Rain DeGrey<\/a>, who I ran your letter by, pointed out, \u201c\u2018Addictive\u2019 is a good descriptor, as Elizabeth Wurtzel discusses in Now, More, Again<\/em><\/a>. Her relationship with tweezers got so bad she ended up scarred and eventually had to remove all tweezers from her house in order to avoid temptation.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Both DeGrey and another adult entertainer\u2014Makeda Joi<\/a>\u2014suggest waxing as an option. \u201cWaxing takes time for the hair to grow long enough, and the removal of it is painful enough to make one levitate while screaming, but once it is gone, you are smooth as an egg,\u201d DeGrey said. And Joi added, as a warning, that \u201cthe back is ALWAYS the most painful part.\u201d You\u2019ll still have to exfoliate when the regrowth starts, but many people find they have fewer issues post-wax than they have with shaving.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Electrolysis<\/a>, though expensive, may be another option, as is laser hair removal (make sure you do thorough research on the facility if you go this route, especially if you have a darker skin tone<\/a> or very light hair). I will say that halfway through the laser process I had an incredibly odd reaction (the doctor at the clinic had never seen such a thing) which was painful and temporarily hideous. So, even the newer technologies can have their downsides.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Mostly, though, you do need to get yourself to a doctor\u2014especially since you suspect infection. Per DeGrey:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

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Bodies are amazing at self-repair, but sometimes we have to call in the pros. Scars, ingrown hairs, and redness are signs your body is trying to tell you something and a dermatologist will be best able to get your skin back to a normal setting. You mention being embarrassed\u2026don\u2019t be! Helping people\u2019s skin get better is literally their job and WHY they went to medical school in the first place. They will be a judgment-free zone and see shaving issues all day long.<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n<\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n

On the off chance that you\u2019re doing all this removal for the aesthetics of others, I\u2019ll share that Joi mentioned both a husband and a client who actually preferred some amount of hair. I\u2019d hate to see you going through all of this for other people\u2019s preferences at all, but especially for other people who may not even want to see a smooth pubic area. In the words of DeGrey, \u201cBest of luck Hedgehog, and may your prickles lower down soon!\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n

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Dear How to Do It, <\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

My husband recently posed the idea of recording ourselves during sex. He said he\u2019d like to use our own videos during masturbation and just thinks it would be a fun addition to our sex life. I did not react well. I was vehemently against the idea and shot him down quickly and a bit harshly. He said he understood and hasn\u2019t brought it up again. It\u2019s been a few months. But I kind of regret the way I acted. I wish I\u2019d been more open to it at the time, and now I confess I\u2019ve even fantasized about the idea. I want to try it but my initial privacy concerns (what if this somehow got out!) are still there lingering for me. Is there a safer way to do this? How do I apologize for the way I reacted? I don\u2019t want to alienate him from bringing me his fantasies.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2014Now Recording<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Dear Now Recording,<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

An apology to your husband could look like, \u201cI feel really bad about how harshly I shut you down when you brought up your fantasy of making a sex tape. I was closed-off and rough, and that\u2019s not how I want to be with you.\u201d From there, you can get a feel for whether he\u2019d like to revisit the issue. You\u2019ll want to proceed carefully, though, as your privacy concerns are valid, and the stakes of a leaked sex video can be quite extreme.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Maybe you two can aim for a low-risk middle ground. You might fantasize together out loud about making a tape. Or you can use cameras or phones as props without actually recording anything to get at that feeling of \u201cperforming\u201d without the fear of leaks. Depending on what the appeal of the idea is for both of you, you also might consider using instant film cameras and taking physical photos while cropping your faces out, which should be much easier to store safely.<\/p>\n\n\n

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Dear How to Do It, <\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

My wife was sexually abused at age 9 by her foster family. After 38 years of marriage, she revealed this to me but I don\u2019t know how to help her. Are there any resources I can share? How can I be there for her?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2014Lost<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Dear Lost,<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

I\u2019d wait until your wife asks for resources. At that point, you can ask her for details about what kind of resources she wants to access. Other than that, you can be there for her by showing up and being present. Ask her what she needs or wants right now. Listen to her as fully as you can, and show her that you still love her the same as you did before this revelation, and are there for her to the absolute best of your ability. But let her lead the way as far as whether she even feels like she needs to seek out active healing, and what kinds of help she would like in that process.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2014Jessica<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

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