{"id":646,"date":"2026-09-29T18:34:45","date_gmt":"2026-09-29T18:34:45","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/flatplanplus.io\/slate\/?p=646"},"modified":"2026-09-29T18:34:46","modified_gmt":"2026-09-29T18:34:46","slug":"my-wife-just-picked-the-worst-possible-time-to-tell-me-about-her-sexual-secret","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/flatplanplus.io\/slate\/2026\/09\/29\/my-wife-just-picked-the-worst-possible-time-to-tell-me-about-her-sexual-secret\/","title":{"rendered":"My Wife Just Picked the Worst Possible Time to Tell Me About Her Sexual Secret"},"content":{"rendered":"\n
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Photo illustration by Slate. Photo by Photo by Alex Green\/Pexels. https:\/\/www.pexels.com\/photo\/unhappy-black-couple-sitting-on-bed-after-having-argument-5700170\/<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n\n\n\n

How to Do It<\/p>\n\n\n\n

My Wife Just Picked the Worst Possible Time to Tell Me About Her Sexual Secret<\/h1>\n\n\n\n

This would have been nice to know 16 years ago.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

By Rich Juzwiak<\/p>\n\n\n\n

SEP 29, 2026 | 3:00 PM EDT<\/p><\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n\n\n\n


Enjoy this article from our archive.\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

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Dear How to Do It,<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

My wife just dropped a bombshell on me. We were in couples counseling trying to get the spark back into our marriage of 20 years when she confessed that she was gay. And she knew as early as the fourth year that we were married.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

She wants to explore her \u201creal\u201d sexuality while staying married to me. If it wasn\u2019t for our four kids, I would be out the door. I feel tricked and lied to. I don\u2019t know what to do. I haven\u2019t told anyone because our community is small and conservative.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I don\u2019t want the backlash to affect our kids. Our youngest is only nine. I can\u2019t live like this for another 9 or 10 years. What now?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2014Trapped<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Dear Trapped,<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

As daunting and confusing as your situation may be for you, it\u2019s not unheard of.  Mixed-orientation marriages have been written about extensively, and there are support groups for those in such arrangements. Via the website<\/a> of Joe Kort, author of Is My Husband Gay, Straight, or Bi?: A Guide for Women Concerned about Their Men<\/em><\/a>, and here is a list<\/a> of resources and support groups for those in mixed marriages that want to make them work. Elsewhere on the site is a digital pamphlet<\/a> by Mark Rheault, which lists some strategies for making such a marriage work. Acceptance of the spouse\u2019s sexuality, approaching the task as friends and partners, and having a support network of friends and family are among some of the tips. There\u2019s also the r\/mixedorientation<\/a> subreddit, which could be useful for support and specific questions you may have, as well.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I\u2019m pushing you toward solutions with staying together in mind because that\u2019s what you indicate first in your letter. However, you also state: \u201cI can\u2019t live like this for another 9 or 10 years.\u201d You need to decide which it\u2019s going to be. You do not need to decide this now, though. You can take your time as you get used to the idea that your wife is gay and wants to explore her sexuality (presumably by opening up the relationship). I would clarify sooner than later what that means for your sex life with her, and whether you\u2019ll be afforded the same sexual freedom that she is requesting. Seems like a no-brainer that you should be, but many people have open arrangements that may seem unequal or lopsided. You should also find out what is expected of you, and why she wants to stay together in the first place. Viewing her as a teammate and not an adversary will make negotiations infinitely easier.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

It\u2019s understandable that you feel tricked and lied to, but there remains considerable stigma for being queer in our culture. One of the products of said stigma is the closet. Closeted people do things to stay closeted\u2014and therefore, in their estimation, safe\u2014including lying. You aren\u2019t under any obligation to forgive those lies (if in fact they could be considered so\u2014that is, if she is in fact not sexually attracted to you at all and has been playing the part of your interested wife for more than 15 years). But forgiveness will make the sorting-out process smoother. If she was lying, it wasn\u2019t to hurt you\u2014it was to protect herself. It will be useful to look at this situation selflessly, which would be in step with staying together solely for the benefit of your children. You do not have to do that\u2014plenty of parents divorce and raise happy, well-adjusted kids.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I think finding a counselor who has experience with mixed-orientation marriages could also provide a lot of help and clarity. It may require some searching, but the effort could create a handsome payoff for your peace of mind and the peace of your household in general.<\/p>\n\n\n

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Dear How to Do It,<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

I have been married to my high-school sweetheart for 27 years. I have only had sex with him. He has had one other partner before me. In the early years, sex was wonderful. I often climaxed multiple times in a single session. Time moves on, as it does, and here we are with two kids (15 and 24), a lovely home and honestly, a wonderful life. I love and respect him immensely. I just do not orgasm during sex with him anymore.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Here is the issue: I have grown indifferent to sex. He has a very high libido. I would be happy to have sex once a month, but he would like it daily. Now, this has been a long process to get to this point. The usual culprits\u2014kids, graduate school, a high stress job, illness (I had a bout with cancer 8 years ago)\u2014and more recently, menopause are to blame.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The damaging part is how guilty I feel for not giving him what he needs and wants. I have had bouts where I try very hard to give him more, but it always results in us back in the once-a-month pattern. I know in the early times of me feeling this way he felt very rejected, but I did try to talk to him about my sex drive and how his moodiness when he isn\u2019t \u201cgetting it\u201d makes me feel like shit. I even find myself avoiding touching him at night in bed, because any touch will make him think we are about to have sex. I hug him and kiss him throughout the day, and hold his hand\u2014I just avoid all that at night, even though I would love to snuggle up in bed. I just hate how he assumes any physical touch is going to lead to sex.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I have tried many things. Meditation, medication (anti-anxiety), vitamins\/supplements, HRT, and other romantic settings etc \u2026 I can still climax on my own, and do so every week or so. Most days we still operate as best friends and a happy couple. However, more and more, I feel his radiating resentment for being responsible for not meeting his needs sexually. I know we should have another conversation. I know I should not feel guilty for having my own needs and wants. I know I love him, and he loves me. I am just really starting to worry he will leave when the last child is gone. I think he was working up to it before I got cancer, and then cancer really brought us close together. He was needing less sex then, I suppose.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I believe intensely that he deserves all the happiness. He is a wonderful man and father. I don\u2019t even know how to begin a conversation again. He knows I have a low drive now. How do I save this relationship without feeling like I need to perform sex to keep my husband happy?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2014Happily Married to an Unhappy Man<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Dear Happily Married to an Unhappy Man,<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Have you shown him the compassion that you express in your letter? Does he understand why you\u2019re reluctant to be affectionate at night? In other words, how aware is he of your<\/em> emotional situation? You seem to be extremely tuned into his (right down to suspecting his imminent departure from the relationship), but how tuned in is he to you?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Showing him a copy of the letter that you sent in (with or without the published response) could be a good way to get the conversation going. Sometimes resentment is a lot easier to hold onto when you don\u2019t have a sense of the other person\u2019s experience. The division in your sex life is a matter of circumstance\u2014you don\u2019t report that he did anything to push you away (at least initially). When no one is to blame, it\u2019s a lot easier to collaborate.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

He\u2019s horny, you aren\u2019t. You\u2019re not wrong or broken, and there\u2019s a disconcerting amount of self-blame in your letter. One obvious solution to this conundrum is to open up your relationship. You could, in theory, maintain a loving relationship that allows him to seek sex elsewhere. It could ameliorate your guilt and empty his balls. This might be complicated to negotiate and execute\u2014you may want to establish certain boundaries that may help you feel secure in the arrangement and you then may need to fine tune these rules as you go. Even when both members of a couple are ardent non-monogamists, being open can be an ongoing conversation. You may want to do the kind of deep thinking that long-reads can provoke\u2014Tristan Taormino\u2019s Opening Up<\/em><\/a>, Janet W. Hardy and Dossie Easton\u2019s The Ethical Slut<\/em><\/a>, and Jessica Fern\u2019s Polywise<\/em><\/a> all include accessible information that you should familiarize yourself with if you want to pursue this path.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

You should also set explicit boundaries about your contact with him. Maybe you make a rule that you can only initiate sex through verbal means\u2014any kind of physical contact should be taken for what it is\u2014a chance to connect in that specific way\u2014and not an overture. This kind of touch is important and it\u2019s a shame that you feel unsafe doing it for risk of sending the wrong message. The kind of communication issues raised in your letter might also be easier to handle if you have an impartial third party, like a counselor or sex coach. Consider looking into such help. Finally, have you considered masturbating together? It could be a way to remain sexually connected while engaging in activity with which you feel comfortable. Granted, perhaps what makes you comfortable with this activity is that you experience it alone, but if you\u2019re amenable to doing it together, it might be a decent compromise.<\/p>\n\n\n

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Dear How to Do It,<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

I\u2019m a 29-year-old woman, and I\u2019m blind. I\u2019ve been dating this guy \u201cNeil\u201d for a bit over a year now. He\u2019s absolutely wonderful\u2014the sweetest and gentlest guy I\u2019ve ever met, and I\u2019m very much in love. However, Neil has a facial deformity from his time in the army, and he\u2019s super, super sensitive about it. Some of that comes from bad reactions he\u2019s gotten from people who see him for the first time. Whatever the case, he is very defensive about his appearance.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Usually, when we\u2019re in bed together, I like to touch his face. I\u2019ve done this with previous partners, too. You can get a lot of a sense of what people are feeling or thinking by how their face contracts and relaxes, and at the very least, I use it to compensate for sightlessness. And he used to be okay with it. But a few months ago, he started getting very sensitive if my fingers went anywhere near the deformed part of his face and we\u2019ve definitely cut down on the bedroom activities because of it, to both of our frustrations. He won\u2019t directly discuss it either.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

He\u2019s in therapy, and has been for a while. I don\u2019t exactly know how it\u2019s going. I don\u2019t expect this to be able to solve his own traumas, but I was hoping you could at least help with the sex again. I\u2019d like to resume our previous levels of intimacy and it would probably be good for him too. But I\u2019ve definitely gotten reliant on this facial touching thing, and I need something else to use instead. Do you have any tips for a blind girl?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2014Looking for Crutches<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Dear Looking for Crutches,<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

There\u2019s something perfect about your pairing on paper\u2014by virtue of your blindness, you aren\u2019t at risk for judging him for his facial deformity like so many do. But as many a dissatisfied diner is aware, rarely is on-paper perfection actual<\/em> perfection. What I find most challenging about your situation is Neil\u2019s refusal to discuss this matter directly. Surely he must understand your desire to touch his face\u2014it\u2019s an aspect of blindness that many people are familiar with given that, in the rare occasion that blindness is represented in media, face-touching is typically portrayed as part of the experience. It\u2019s part of how you adapt in a world where most people can see, and it\u2019s important to you.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I think you should attempt to explain all of this to him, perhaps in a letter. Since he\u2019s amenable to therapy, you could perhaps seek couples counseling, as it may facilitate discussion that you haven\u2019t been able to on your own. Another potential solution is to ask him to step up his verbal game. In addition to face-touching, you can get a lot of a sense of what people are feeling or thinking by hearing their reactions to what you\u2019re doing. Perhaps he could also engage your sense of touch, by being more expressive with his hands (like gripping you a certain way or running his hands through your hair). You have shown yourself to be adaptable, but he needs to be as well for this sexual connection to repair. You can understand his sensitivity about his face, but he should understand your need for sensory stimulation to compensate for your sightlessness. In a way, this is a good test for your compatibility. If he can\u2019t give you anything here, your match may not be as strong as it has seemed. But if he\u2019s as sweet and wonderful as you say, he should be able to figure out a way to protect his sensitivities and provide for your needs.<\/p>\n\n\n

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Dear How to Do It,<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

I\u2019m a straight guy who recently developed a new interest in trans women. I\u2019m not attracted to men whatsoever but recently pre-op trans women have caught my eye and arousal. I\u2019m not sure if it\u2019s common or where the interest is coming from exactly. It\u2019s not every trans woman, but usually I\u2019m turned on by those who look feminine and otherwise pass as a woman in public. Through watching trans porn and talking with an attractive trans woman about possibly getting intimate, I learned it all excites me, even the prospect of going down on her. (Though I have hesitations about other modes of play to please her.)<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I\u2019m searching for some kind of \u201cwhy\u201d behind finding this intriguing and attractive, whereas I have zero desire to interact with another guy in any such way. I\u2019m not sure if it means anything. Is it a phase, or perhaps a product of watching too much porn and now wanting to go further into it all to satisfy a deeper desire for something new for pleasure or entertainment?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2014Oddly Aroused<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Dear Oddly Aroused,<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

The whys are often the most elusive component of sexuality. While some can point to incidents earlier in life that sparked a sexual interest, others simply understand that they like what they like and leave it at that. (After all, knowing why<\/em> you like something may not affect your enjoyment of it.) It\u2019s an individual question, so seeking confirmation from a total stranger such as myself is about as useful as asking me to brush your teeth. My arm isn\u2019t long enough to reach you from over here and even if it were, it would be awkward to attempt it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

That said, it seems like porn may have sparked your interest, as it sometimes does. We are suggestible creatures. Perhaps you\u2019re curious about other people\u2019s penises, as many men are, and playing with one that\u2019s attached to a woman will allow you to explore that curiosity in a context that doesn\u2019t threaten your straightness. Maybe seeing trans women in action has opened your mind, and has led you to accept that you\u2019re attracted to women, period. At any rate, you seem to like women, and trans women are women, so it\u2019s not really that far-fetched.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

It\u2019s obviously too early to tell if it\u2019s a phase, and as to whether or not it \u201cmeans anything,\u201d I don\u2019t think you need to draw any big-picture conclusions at this point. You\u2019re curious and that\u2019s a fine way to be. Maybe you end up adding some dick to the menu\u2014big deal! But as you pursue this, I do think that you should keep in mind that many people are sensitive about being reduced to body parts. Given how much the cis world obsesses about trans people\u2019s parts, there tends to be an acute sensitivity in that segment of the population. Please treat your sex partners like people. You may find a partner who is absolutely down to help you explore, but you will also find people that bristle at the notion of being your experiment. Be extra sensitive about objectifying. A lot of casual sex is rooted in objectification, but you should definitely attempt to get a handle on potential partners\u2019 sensitivities ahead of time by being as honest about what you\u2019re looking for as possible while remaining respectful.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2014Rich<\/p>\n\n\n