The Secret Socialite: How To Date (And Find Love Again) After Divorce

by | Feb 9, 2024 | Feature

The Secret Socialite: How To Date (And Find Love Again) After Divorce

‘I was paralysed with fear about my advancing age, about how much time I had already wasted and about how hard it was to find love again.’

When my 18-year marriage ended, I fantasised about all the hot men I would have mind-blowing sex with. I saw beautiful Adonises everywhere: in the gym, with their perfectly honed muscles; at work events, in their slim-cut navy blazers and the Tom Ford cologne they emanated, along with a whiff of arrogance; in crowded rooms at parties, as they smiled at me with a wink and a promising glint in their eyes. I danced the night away, giddy with excitement, and I went to bed with pretty much anyone I wanted. In fact, I had so much fun, fun, fun that I wrote a book about it, Naked in Mayfair.

Writing saved me. After many months of lychee martini-fuelled hedonism, writing allowed me to take a long, hard look at myself. I was racing around in the fast lane, living the ultimate dream. But inside, I was totally lost and aching with pain: the pain of a failed marriage, the pain of tearing apart my beautiful family, and most of all, the pain of self-loathing.

I had to take action, if only for the sake of my teenage daughters, innocent, bewildered bystanders. I knew that what I wanted was not torrid sex, but True Love. I wanted to find one wonderful man to fall in love with, not a profusion of interchangeable phalluses.

I was paralysed with fear about my advancing age, about how much time I had already wasted and about how hard it was to find love again. When the panic subsided, the most valuable thing I did was to write a list of what I really wanted in a man and, perhaps more importantly, what I had to offer. On the negative side, I was the wrong side of 40, and my tried and tested formula of sky-high heels and short skirts was no longer quite as appropriate as when I was 20. On the positive side, I was 40 years old, and I had learnt a thing or two about life along the way. If I was lucky, I had another 40 years to go and I was now free to redefine myself and my goals as a woman, not just as a wife and mother.

I longed for stillness to think, and I started to meditate. I asked myself some important questions. What do I really want today? What and who is going to make me happy? (spoiler alert: myself). What kind of man do I want, now that I no longer need to create a family unit with children? How can I be the best version of myself? I put together a vision board of all my favourite things from glossy magazine cuttings. I visualised the man I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. I imagined the close, deep connection we would share. I fantasised about how it would feel to be bathed in love by the man of my dreams. And I waited and waited. And I waited some more. And absolutely nothing happened. 

Once I became more centred and focused, I attracted men in my own image who wanted a committed partnership.

It was only then that I realised that the most important part of manifesting is to stop obsessing and to let go. It’s like putting in an Amazon order: once you have placed the order, you know it’s coming, and you don’t need to think about it anymore. It is the same with a man. Be clear about what you want and let go. Trust the universe to deliver.
 
My daughters approved of the transformation. I started to relax, and I was a lot happier. I started dating again, but this time, more mindfully.
 
So what did I learn, after all those dates?
Don’t ever waste time with an unavailable man. They come in all sorts of guises: married men whose wives won’t have sex with them; supposedly separated men with separation anxiety; divorced men who are still ‘finding themselves’; single men who are not quite ready for a serious relationship but are very ready to have you in their bed…. Those were my speciality. Once I became more centred and focused, I attracted men in my own image who wanted a committed partnership.
Don’t ever chase a man. It’s desperate and desperation smells. Men lose interest if you make it too easy for them. Drop the handkerchief. Show him you’re interested, but don’t text him first. Don’t be the first to ask him on a date. Don’t over-invest in a relationship in the early days. Take it slowly. Let the man prove his worth to you. Let him run after you. If he doesn’t, then chasing after him will not change his mind and it will certainly not make him value you more. On the contrary, he will run for the hills.
Be crystal clear about the kind of man you want to welcome into your life. Write a list of the qualities you are looking for. Then become all those things on your list. The man you attract will be your mirror.
Focus on how the man you are dating makes you feel. He might have all the attributes you think you’re looking for, but if he doesn’t make you feel good, don’t bother. Listen to and trust your gut.
Don’t think you will ever change a man. You might succeed in making a few cosmetic changes: getting him to swap his old, moth-eaten sweater for something more fetching; encouraging him to go to the dentist to whiten his teeth; and inspiring him to lose a couple of pounds. But men don’t change who they are inside, especially not after 40. Look deep into a man’s heart and soul and work out if you like what you see: that’s what matters.
Don’t be too serious on a first date. Don’t talk about your ex and how awful he was. Don’t go on about your children and how amazing they are. Be fun and flirty and light. Listen more than you talk. Give good date.
Be feminine and confident. If you are looking for a masculine man, be a receiver. Radiate positive energy. No one likes a Debbie downer. This is the time to shine your light. Smile. The most beautiful women are happy women.
Most of all, believe in yourself. Remember that what belongs to you will find you. And that’s when the magic begins…
 
You can read all about my search for love, the lows and the highs, in my racy novel, Naked in Mayfair.
 

Photo: Getty